He waited until three in the morning to go down to the living room. He moved quietly, making sure he didn’t wake his children, and sat down on the couch. For a minute he stared at the pillow he’d brought down with him—the one that still smelled like Bellamy. Then he pressed it against his face to muffle his sobs.
Coward.
Chapter Fourteen
“But why, Jake?”
“Because he needs to sleep, Pen. Come on, let’s get your bag.”
“I don’t want to go yet.”
“Gram is waiting for us.”
“No. I can stay next door with Carol. In case Daddy needs me.”
“I always need my Lucky Penny.” Seamus forced himself to open his eyes. “What’s up, guys?”
“Daddy!” Penny jumped on him and hugged him, rubbing the stubble on his face as if she were petting the dog. “Are you sick? You can have my strawberries.”
“Sorry,” Jake said quietly. “She wouldn’t leave until she talked to you.”
He hugged his daughter tight and pushed himself to a sitting position, with her still clinging to his neck. “What is it, sweetheart?”
Her lower lip trembled. “I want to stay with you and Vini this weekend.”
“I need to fix some things around the house, and you know you can’t stay with Carol for a while.”
“Because she has a new hip?”
“That’s right. You’ll have more fun if you go with the boys to see Angus. I bet he’s learned a new trick already.”
“He’s not as smart as Vini,” Penny said stubbornly. “Even if he can roll over.”
“Penny, go upstairs and make sure you didn’t forget anything.” Jake pushed his dark hair out of his eyes when Seamus looked up at his words. “If you do, I bet I can talk Dad into letting Grandpa teach Vini how to roll over.”
She was clearly torn, but the dog won the day and she kissed Seamus and hugged him one more time before running upstairs.
“Have you eaten anything since yesterday?”
God, did he look that pathetic to his son?
Yes.
Six days. He’d been like this for nearly a week. He still cooked dinner for the kids and made sure they got to school. He’d kept up with bar orders and deliveries from his phone and laptop. He was still breathing, but he felt like a hollowed-out shell. Like something was missing.
He rolled his stiff neck and groaned. He was too old to be sleeping on the couch every night, but he hadn’t been able to relax in his bedroom. Too many memories.
Maybe it was time for a new mattress. One Bellamy hadn’t slept on.
“Dad?”
“Yes, Jake, I’ve eaten,” he lied. He looked into his son’s somber eyes and felt a vise tighten around his heart. This was ridiculous. He had to snap out of it. “I’m sorry. It’s been a rough week on you, I know, but when you get back on Sunday, things will be back to normal, I promise.”
He just needed to forget.
Coward.
Jake came over and sat down on the edge of the couch, watching him with those eyes that saw everything. “It’s okay, Dad. I understand.”
“God, I hope you don’t,” he blurted, feeling his throat tighten.
“I remember when my mom died,” Jake said in a calm voice that belied any memory of pain. “You sat in a chair beside the bed for weeks, slept there so I could see you if I woke up and got scared. So I’d know I wasn’t alone.” Jake leaned against him, offering his support. “I can sit with you now, if you want.”
Seamus closed his eyes, focusing on holding his tears at bay. Jake had never talked about his mother. He’d been so young and so much had happened that Seamus thought he might have forgotten her, but he should have known better. Jake never forgot anything. “I love you, do you know that? You are, without a doubt, the best decision I ever made.”
“I love you too, Dad.”
He wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that before the front door opened, startling them both.
“Good morning.” Solomon strode in wearing jeans and a t-shirt, a papoose filled with a baby cradled against his chest. Stephen appeared close behind him with a dual stroller, pushing a set of twins that were wriggling like they were about to make a run for it.
“The jury’s still out on that.” Seamus smiled tiredly, wishing for coffee. “What’s with the parade of tiny humans?”
His brother was studying him a little too closely. Yeah, he definitely wasn’t looking good. “Younger is watching our newest Finn while Noah checks in at the firehouse, and the boys and I decided to keep him company. We’re on a top secret mission, and we’ve come for your son.”
Seamus snorted. “He’s the only one I have left. Wes and Sean are already with Mom.”
“Sorry, but he’s crucial to the cause. Plus he’s great with the twins and I need help. Are you ready for this, Jake?”