“Congratulations. Do you know what you’re having yet?” The smile on her face is genuine.
I shake my head no. “It’s too soon, I think. We were barely able to detect the heartbeat after…” I can’t finish my thought. My chest tightens, and I feel the panic attack brewing.
“You’re in a safe place, Ember.” Kimberly’s words interrupt the silent battle of wills fighting for dominance inside of me.
“Am I, though?” I blurt out. “Are any of us actually safe?” Rage fuels my words. “My parents were killed in a stupid accident, and it was so long ago that I hardly remember them anymore. Arsen, Kol, Noah, they’re in danger every single day they go to work because people are selfish and always committing crimes. I nearly lost my baby, my life, because some sicko chose me at random to rob and attack. How are any of us safe?”
“Valid points.” I hate how reasonable she is. “What happened to you was just that, random, and happens to a minute percentage of people. Have you spoken to your family about these feelings of fear for their safety?”
“No,” I huff out. “It would only distract them from doing their jobs to the fullest.”
“Or they could reassure you that when they’re on the job, they take the proper precautions to ensure their safety.” That sounds more like what they would do.
“Maybe.” I shrug.
“Tell me more about Noah. Your relationship with him.” I sit up straighter at the mention of his name.
“I’ve been in love with Noah for as long as I’ve known him.” My smile is genuine this time. “The past few months without him were pure hell. Learning of his secrets and why he kept them burned me to my core. I didn’t know if I could ever forgive him.” Familiar tears spring forward as I think about that time.
“What secrets?” she asks me, sitting forward with her arms resting on her knees.
“Noah was married when we got together. He’d been pushing me away for a while, and I confronted him after we shared a kiss. The next couple of days were magical. Then his wife showed up at the station. She slapped me into next year. I left; Noah didn’t follow.” I shrug, not liking to think about it.
“And recently, what happened for you to forgive him?” I can see the curiosity in her gaze.
“Once he got confirmation from the courts that the divorce was finally going through, he tried to protect me from her. When she was out of the picture for good, he started writing me sweet little notes with no expectations. Some came with gifts, like my favorite chocolates, a beautiful frame. It was all very thoughtful, proving that he cared about me.” Reaching into my purse, I pull out the notes from Noah. I keep them in a small envelope wrapped in twine. Having them close helps ease the anxiety that has settled in my bones.
“Can I read them?” Hesitantly, I hand them over. I have nothing to hide, and if you know Noah, you know how hard it is for him to show this kind of softness to someone. “These are beautiful,” Kimberly comments as she reads the last one. “I can see why you’ve forgiven him.”
“Thank you.” I hold the notes to my chest when she gives them back.
“I assume he knows about the baby?”
“I told him in the hospital. I felt terrible keeping the secret from him, but I was barely wrapping my head around the idea of being a mom. I wasn’t sure how he would react.”
“You wanted to be sure his feelings for you weren’t simply because of a child. Understandable. It’s a choice many women have made too. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It was a new revelation. You hardly had adequate time to process the surprise.”
“Can I ask you something, Dr. Paine?” I’m hesitant to put words to my fears.
“Of course. That’s why we’re here.”
“When, uhm, when I was attacked, we thought I might have been raped. I’ve never felt so helpless or victimized in my life. After finding out I wasn’t, the relief was overwhelming, but Noah, he hasn’t…you know…” I’m still so shy about sex, talking about it with someone is frightening, but I can’t ask my brothers.
“You haven’t been intimate?” I affirm. “He could be worried he’ll hurt you. You’re still very bruised, your wrist is broken, and you have recurring nightmares. I would say he’s trying to be sensitive to what he thinks you need rather than what you’re desiring.”
“To feel like a woman,” I utter.
“And that’s perfectly normal for any couple after such a violent assault. I encourage you to discuss with him what it is you feel you need or want. He won’t know unless you voice them.” With a lump in my throat, I can only smile and nod at her sage advice.
“Do you want to talk about your nightmares? From what I understand, the result is quite physical. Noah mentioned you often throw yourself out of bed in the midst of waking up.”
“I can feel the bastard's hands on me. Around my throat. Stealing my life away. I try to get away from him. I don’t want to die, and it’s what it feels like after every nightmare. He’s forcing the life from my body.” Like now, I can feel my throat closing and the anxiety encroaching upon me. The doctor must suspect it because she quickly stands and opens her office window before coming back and grabbing my hand.
“Just breathe in the fresh air. Slow breaths. That’s it. Now imagine the place you’ve been happiest and keep that picture in your mind until your chest loosens again.” I can feel the breeze brushing my face and the air working its way slowly through my lungs as she rubs small circles on my back.
With Noah back at work today, I know I’ll be returning to his empty condo, and I’m beginning to wonder if I should push myself to go home instead.
“How do I be me again?” I ask, wheezing between breaths.