I understood on one level. He was only in town for a few days, or he would lose his ticket.
There were also the issues of international borders and laws to contend with. It wasn’t like he could have just decided to stay.
What really hurt was that he gave no indication of wanting to if he could. What happened had been spontaneous, as much my doing as his. Even more so, really.
“What are you going to do now?” Ashe asked.
“I don’t know, deal, I guess.”
“No, I meant about the little one.”
“The baby?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I’m certainly not telling him. No point in saddling him with that when he can’t do anything. I think I’ll keep it. I might have to move back in with my parents.”
“There are worse things,” Varg said, who I knew had seen a few of them himself. “Theo would want to know, though. He’s going to be a father.”
“You’re right, of course.”
What hurt most was that I really thought we had something that would make Theo stay. I knew we had only been together for one night and it was strange, but I felt like we were falling in love. Like there really was one person we were meant to be with in life and Theo was that person for me.
I had no idea what sort of games fate was playing on both of us, though, if we were meant to be, by having him be from a different country and having us meet so briefly.
The pregnancy was the real cherry on top.
What the hell was I supposed to do with that?
What hurt most wasn’t that he left but that I didn’t know when or if I was ever going to see him again.
“You know we’re here for you, right?” Ashe asked, going into full best friend mode.
“Yeah,” Varg agreed.
“Of course.”
I appreciated the sentiment, but really just wanted to get on with it. Perhaps not the healthiest coping mechanism, but I liked to focus on productive things. Certainly better than stress-eating, particularly with the graduation concert on the horizon.
Soldiering on as best as I could, through the morning sickness and all the rest of it, I finished off my seminars and threw myself into work, sometimes pulling fifteen hour days.
Food and sleep became like after thoughts. I was sure I looked like hell, but I was starting to feel a lot better. I’d almost put Theo out of my mind and was focusing on my future, one that I was increasingly certain included our baby. It was all I had left of him, really.
Despite what logic might dictate, it just didn’t seem right to give it up so easily. I was dreading the inevitable call to my parents, but since I’d only known then to be practical, it really shouldn’t be that bad, like Varg said. Likely the most embarrassing part would be being grandparents in their 40s.
The plan for the concert was finished a couple days ahead of the event. Members of the music faculty had already been tapped to serve as the orchestra, so there was nothing to do but wait. Holding on to my confidence that the program I’d devised really was as good as I thought it was. I already knew all the parts by heart. It would all come down to whether the industry types agreed with me or not.
With the lack of work came a flood of thoughts, mostly about Theo and what he was doing right then. I had his phone number, but it was for Amsterdam, and I couldn’t afford the long distance.
If only I’d thought to get his email. Then, even if I ended up getting blocked, at least I would have an answer.
I didn’t know how much longer I could stand the limbo, especially without work to distract me. I could only hope the concert would lead to a job right away, not least for the sake of my sanity.
The hour approached and it was time to put all my dreams and machinations to the test. Getting into the sleek black Nehru-collared suit I’d happened across at the thrift store, I marshaled the troops of my mind, standing strong and proud in the mirror, trying to project how I wanted to be seen.
The entire Loki’s Laugh gang insisting on coming to share in my big night. There were even murmurs that Seth and Jonna Jinton-Black would be there. They had no doubt heard about me through the Suspicious Activity studio grape vine, as I knew at least two people directly connected to it.
I tried to not let it psych me out, particularly when I’d, foolishly, peeked out between the red velvet curtains (the theater was old-school), and had seen just how many people had turned out.
That was Ashe and Stephanie’s, doing no doubt. I made a mental note to thank them properly later. At that moment, I had to focus on the task at hand. I’d once heard a story about Beethoven. At a concert after he’d gone stone deaf, he couldn’t hear it as the crowd broke into thunderous applause and had to be turned around so that he could enjoy the response.