“Zack, I have never told anybody about what happened.”
“Why not.”
“I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my mother. We were doing bad those days after my real father died, she needed my stepfather around.”
“You could have told somebody.”
“He used to tell me if I told somebody that they would think I was lying and doing it for attention. And everybody liked him. So imagine me, this ten-year-old, little girl—”
“You were ten when this happened?” I said louder than I should have, but hearing that made me mad.
“Yes,” Angelique said meekly.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to raise my voice.” I couldn’t imagine what that must have been like for her, being so young. “I just can’t believe that somebody could do that to a little girl, but it happens.”
“Right. So, imagine me saying that about this person who everybody thinks so highly of, doing something so bad; but he did,” Angelique said, and began crying again. “He would beat me when I tried to resist him. Threatened to kill me if I told anyone. I believed him, so I didn’t tell anyone.”
I took her in my arms and held her. “How long did this go on?”
“Two years.”
“What happened then?”
“He started hitting my mother, so she divorced him. But by that time it was an everyday thing. It finally got to the point where I wouldn’t even fight him anymore, I would just let it happen.”
“What about Connie?”
“He never touched Connie, thank god. I always tried to protect her as best I could. When he started looking at her the way he looked at me, I’d send her to her room and he’d take me instead.”
“What would he make you do?”
“All the things you try to get me to do. Then, when he was done, he’d say that he loved me and that’s why he did it.”
“I feel like shit, now.”
“That’s why I couldn’t tell you.”
“Why not?”
“Because that’s how I felt, less than shit. When he was finished, I would run to the bathroom and wash myself. I would scrub myself until it felt like my skin was raw. I felt so dirty, like I was dirty.”
“That wasn’t you.”
“But that’s how I felt. How I still feel.”
“You mean you felt that way when we did it?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I have a huge fear of intimacy. I know that his abuse has had a huge impact on my relationships with men. And especially with you. You are the kindest, most understanding man I’ve ever met, and I love you so much for that.”
“I love you, too. And we’ll get through this, I promise. We’ll get through this together.”
“I know we will. I feel a lot better finally telling you. I’ve wanted to tell for so long, but I was afraid you’d stop loving me.”
“I’ll never stop loving you. We’ll get some help for you to deal with this.”