“What about your parents?”
“What about them?” He seems mystified by the question.
“You said it’s been the family home. What if I change the color in the family room and they hate it and hate me?”
His laughter is loud. “That color in the family room has been redone nine times in the last twenty years. They’ll understand, and if it doesn’t look good, they’ll shrug. Now come on, let’s go pick out bedding and new drapes to match the paint color.?
??
***
The last week has been fun, and I gradually felt the words he kept telling me, it was my home too and I wasn’t going anywhere. With each small change he saw, he got happier, and when he saw painters in the family room he cornered me and kissed me until we both were breathless and aching with need.
So maybe after three weeks my tone isn’t quite the softest when Joy tells me that she thinks Trey and I should give it another week.
“Why the hell not? It’s been three weeks already. These sessions have helped, I know they have. I feel the difference.”
“Tell me about the difference,” Joy invites calmly.
“No nightmares, not since the first week. When a man gets close, I don’t freak out. I still get tense, but no anxiety like before. Before there were times when I was still half asleep I would freeze and get scared of waking up with someone beside me, and it was only when I realized it was Trey that I was okay. From that first week, it hasn’t happened once.”
“Tell me how another week makes a difference to you? You were quite open previously about your use of sex toys to satisfy your need. Are they not satisfying enough for you?”
“I haven’t used them since our relationship began, and I don’t want to. I want Trey. Last week I broke down in the shower and was able to climax, but afterwards it felt as empty as I knew it would, I felt empty.”
Sitting back her surprise is obvious, and I can understand. There were times I was surprised. Trey wasn’t though, he let me know late one night as we lay together that he understood my need, and it wouldn’t bother him if I used my toys. I shook my head. At the time I wasn’t able to say the words, and he didn’t question me, but there was no surprise at all.
“All right then, consider the ban lifted. I still think we will need another two EMDR sessions, and I wanted to wait until after that, now I don’t think that’s going to be necessary.” At the mention of more EMDR, I can’t hide my grimace. “You just said these sessions have helped. I know they aren’t fun, but you are getting better.”
Nodding, I don’t argue. “After the EMDR, what then? How long do you think I’ll need to keep seeing you?”
“It will always be up to you on how long you keep seeing me. We’ll do some basic talk therapy for a few more weeks. In the end it will be what you need. There are patients I have been seeing for ten years and longer. They have long gotten over the hardest part, but for them to have someone they can talk to about what is happening in their lives, and understand why they are reacting the way they do, is essential.”
At first the idea of still coming to see Joy ten years from now sounds like torture, yet as her words sink in they make sense.
“Hmm, I don’t know about that. There are times I just want to forget and never have to think about it, then it’ll pop up, or I know I’m pushing Trey away because of the way it mixes me up. Ten years doesn’t sound appealing, but it is understandable. Would you be willing to tell Trey the ban has been lifted? I’m pretty sure he won’t believe me.”
Chuckling, she nods. “I would be happy to do so.”
I open the door, and as usual he’s pacing as he waits for me. When he sees me, his relief is immediate. “Hey, you okay?”
“I’m good, really good. Come talk to Joy real quick.” I’m certain he knows what it’s about the minute I smile.
Joy breaks the news, and the tension in him flows out instantly. He tightens his arm around me, and less than five minutes later we’re out in the car. The silence isn’t what I expect and there is tension beginning to build.
“Trey?”
He doesn’t answer until we’re in the garage behind the house. “Sweetheart, I am trying so hard here. Give me a minute.”
Okay, now I’m really confused. Opening my door, he undoes my seatbelt, and pulls me gently from the car. His arm around me makes me feel the smallest bit better, but I still don’t understand why he’s so tense. When we stop in the family room and he settles me in his lap, I finally get it. After a session, I often needed him to hold me while I cried, and then I usually needed to be left alone.. As much as I needed his arms around me while I pulled back from the memories, while I was licking my wounds I needed space. Even with Joy giving the all-clear, Trey isn’t going to push me beyond my habits of the last few weeks.
Fuck, the clenching in my chest is back, and it hurts when I try to breathe. When it hits me, I feel like I’ve taken a blow to the solar plexus. Closing my eyes, I wait for the fear, it doesn’t come. Now that I know, really know, all I feel is safe and content in his arms. My arms slide around his neck and I pull him down to me. “Trey, you don’t have to try so hard. I don’t need you to hold me while I cry. I need you to make love to me. I love you.” A tremble goes through him when I say it. “I love you and I need you—not to hold me, but to make love to me.”
A hand goes into my hair, and he pulls me back to look him in the eye. His throat works, “Please, can you say that again for me?”
Nodding, I understand and hold his gaze. “I love you. I love you. Now take me to bed and make love to me.”
Smiling, he lifts me up and carries me to our bedroom. After laying me down on the bed, he slowly begins to undress. My hands are at the buttons of my shirt, until he shakes his head, and I’m not surprised. I lie back down and watch him. While he isn’t as massive as he was the first night, his body is still powerfully built and rippling with muscle, and just the sight of him makes me wet. When he pushes down his pants, he pushes down his boxers too. I’m restless now, wanting him, needing him.