My chair scrapes across the floor as I shove it back and then I’m rushing around the table to him. He pushes back too and catches me.
I’m sobbing in his arms.
“Did this buy me the end of the silent treatment?” he asks.
I nod and squeeze tighter.
“This buy my way to not being your enemy anymore?” he asks into my hair.
“Nope,” I say.
“Still think I’m a dick?”
“Yep.”
The best dick ever.
He kisses my mouth with soft lips and tangles his fingers into the back of my hair.
“I’m gonna fix the rest of it, too.”
“I’m scared,” I admit. “I’m sorry I’ve been a bitch, but I’m…”
“Trying to protect everyone. I know. But I know what I’m doing, Ally. I need you to trust me.”
“Carly thinks I met you so that you could fix this for me.”
“Maybe that’s true.”
“That’s not fair to you, though. And if anything happened to you, I’d just die.”
“I’m gonna be fine.”
“But I would. I would die, Jude. Die. Do you get that?” I hold his face in both hands and try to convey with my eyes how crazy I am about him.
The way he’s looking at me, the loaded silence that stretches between us momentarily, bursting at the seams with meaning – I think maybe he might understand the gravity of what I’m trying to say.
“It’s what I do, baby. All my life I’ve solved puzzles, figured out mysteries, and since I was a teenager, it’s been my job to protect the people I care about. I took over for my father and I refuse to fail at it.”
“I’m so sorry you lost your dad, Jude.”
“I’m sorry you lost your dad too, sweet cheeks.”
“I’m sorry I’ve been … like I’ve been. Sort of. You’ve made me really mad a couple times. But the times you didn’t – I’m sorry about those. My head has been a little fucked up at times. And at other times, you’ve just really pissed me off and deserved what you had comin’ to you.”
“Most of it’s been fun,” he says with a shrug.
He moistens his lips and leans closer. “I dig everything about you, Ally. Except how scared you are. I’m gonna fix it.”
I give him a sad smile and let out a big sigh.
He caresses my face. “What?”
“Everything about me is fake except for my fear.”
He frowns.
“Everything about me was fabricated to be the exact opposite of who I am, Jude. So that no one would suspect I was her. So that I could keep myself alive. So I could make sure no one around me got hurt. The girl you dig everything about is a fake.”
I can’t get a read on his expression for a minute, but then his face goes fierce as I start babbling again.
“I had long blonde hair, not pink hair. I had one tattoo until I moved to Baltimore earlier this year. Most of the piercings are new. The clothing style. I don’t even smoke. That vape doesn’t even have nicotine in it.”
His eyes flash with humor.
“I used to be so messy.”
He laughs. “Used to be?”
“But I’m so organized so that I can watch to make sure everything is in its place, so I’ll know that if anything is amiss, it might be time to bolt. Except, you know, until Operation Shitty Roommate. The point is, I’ve tried so hard to be the anti-Alyssa and that’s the girl you like. You’re gonna be so disappointed.”
“You’re wrong.”
“No. Believe me, I’m not. I wish I were this daring, fun, quirky girl, but I’m not. I’m so fucked up. Look at how I’ve acted when you’re trying to help. I don’t even sleep on the right end of the bed, I’m that fucked up.”
“I see you, baby. You. I dig you with your pink hair, I dug it when you dyed it black. I liked the dreads too, and if you wanna go blonde again, I’m cool with that as well. I love the tatts and piercings, obviously, especially that one piercing that’s on your… when did you get that?”
“June.”
“So, nobody has seen or touched it but me?”
I shake my head.
He smiles a supremely pleased smile.
I bury my face under his jaw.
“I’m crazy about the way you look at me, alley-cat. That’s not fake. I’m crazy about how great you are to your friends. How you buy drinks for old security guards and hang out with them. How you babysit for your single mom friend and treat her girls like they’re your nieces. Yeah, Aid told me about that. I think it’s fucking awesome that you volunteer at the animal shelter.”
“I did that to get away from you,” I admit. “I fostered Georgie and Ralphie out of spite. I’m an asshole.”
His body shakes with laughter. “Nobody forced you to bake all those cupcakes to raise money for his operation, darlin’. And the way you look at that cat like she’s the most wondrous thing you’ve ever set eyes on tells me you’re gonna be a fuckin’ amazing mother someday.”