Mom sighs loudly and she shakes her head. “Son. I’m going to tell you something now that I haven’t told you before, because I never wanted to damage your view of him...”
“Him, who?” I ask. There’s a horrible sensation in my heart that I’m not going to like what comes next.
“Your father.” Yep, I’m right. This is definitely something I don’t want to know. “He was a wonderful man, don’t get me wrong, and we had a great marriage... but right now, you remind me of him.”
“What do you mean?” I gasp out thickly.
“I mean... he had an addictive personality and I think you do too. He could never just drink, he always had to end up wasted. He could never just do something, he had to go all out, dedicating everything to it, a bit like you and your business.” I don’t know if I’m supposed to hate that, but it feels nice to have a connection to him. “Sometimes that sent him into self destruct mode. A bit like you, right now. I remember this all the time with him. It was hard for me, a battle every day during his outbursts, and then of course it eventually killed him.”
“Huh?” That catches my attention. “But I thought that he was caught in a crash with a drunk driver on the way home from work?” That’s what I’ve always been told, why would I believe anything else? I wait impatiently for Mom to explain.
“Oh he was killed by a drunk driver alright, but it was him.” She grips onto my hand and gives me a stare. “I never wanted to tell you this because I didn’t want to taint your opinion of him when he wasn’t around to defend himself. But now I think you need to know. He was driving home from work, but he was wasted and he drove straight into a tree.” Her eyes flicker downwards, she looks absolutely gutted. “I always warned him something like that would happen, but he wouldn’t listen. It didn’t matter what I did, I couldn’t ever save him. I really want to be able to save you.”
My heart sinks, her words actually affect me. I cannot believe it. My dad went down a spiral, a bit like what I’m doing right now, and it killed him. Maybe that will happen to me too, maybe it’s in my genes, I just don’t know. I don’t want that to be me, I don’t want to end up ploughing my car into a tree in a drunken state.
“I know this might come as a shock to you, Ben, and I do apologise for keeping it from you, I just thought it was the right thing to do. Now I’m not so sure that it was.”
“Y... yeah,” I don’t know what to say. My head feels way too fuzzy to be dealing with this nightmare. “It is a bit of a shock.”
“Well I just hope that it helps. I’ll tell you what, why don’t you go to bed and sleep this off, let it all sink in a bit. I’ll ring your office and make sure everyone else has it under control. Then I’ll tidy this place up. When you get up again we can really have a talk about things and think about what you want to do next.”
All the fight has zapped from my body, which is probably because I think Mom might be right. I’m certainly not happy at the moment and nothing is improving in my life. I can’t seem to party like I used to, I can’t manage the balance between having fun and totally losing control. Something inside me has changed irrevocably and I can’t seem to get it back. I think it’s time to give up and to try it someone else’s way. I’m ready to relinquish control of my life for now to see if someone else can do a better job.
“Thanks, Mom. I think I will.”
As I stagger upwards I fall forwards slightly and Mom catches me. As she pulls me in for a hug I allow her to do so because I really need some comfort. Pushing everyone away has always been what I’ve done, but it’s never hurt this much before. Serena has done more than get under my skin, she has crawled in there and set up home and now I want her back.
“It’s two babies, Mom,” I admit quietly. “She’s having twins.”
“Oh, Ben, you are going to have to make it up with her. You do understand that. Don’t you? Especially now, one baby is hard enough but two... plus I really want to be a part of their lives.”
“I know, Mom, and I’m sorry. I’ve been an idiot, but I won’t let that happen again. I promise you.”
She pulls back to look at me, gives me a sweet smile then sends me off to bed. As I go all I can think about is her words. I do need t o make it up to Serena, that makes so much sense. I want to as well. I probably should wait until I’ve slept and I can speak to her in a much more sensible way, but there’s a deep itch in my chest that needs to do it now. Like right now. With the alcohol still coursing through my system I can’t help myself, I need to know right now.
Screw it.
I pull out my phone and hit dial just as I fall into my bedroom. I collapse onto my soft bed and wait for her to answer. I’m still not sure she will, I do think I might have left it too long, but I need to at least try.
“H... hello?” she sounds unsure. “Ben, is that you?”
“Yeah, tis me.” Shit, I sound about as drunk as I feel. “How are you?”
She pauses for a moment before answering. “Are you serious? You wait until I’m almost six months pregnant and then you call me just to say how are you? And are you drunk at this time of the morning? You sound it.”
I can’t help it, that riles me up. I’m offering an olive branch here and she’s throwing it back in my face. “No, I obviously want to know how my babies are doing,” I snap back. “And I think I have a right to as well, since I’m their father.”
“Babies... so you did get my voice mail, probably my text too. What makes you think you suddenly have a right to know anything when you’ve been ignoring me all this time?”
What a bitch, why is she jumping down my throat? This chat wasn’t supposed to go like this at all. “I just want to know, Serena, I don’t want to fight.”
“You don’t want to fight?” Now she sounds really angry. “Do you have any idea how much I’ve struggled? I’ve had to do all this by myself with no money, nowhere to live, no help... do you know how much doctor’s bills are?”
“So this is all about money? I’ll refund you...”
“No, Ben, not everything is all about money. Maybe if you get your head out your ass you’ll see that.”
Mom might be all for me making up with Serena, but how can I when she’s being a stubborn cow? How am I supposed to make up with someone who doesn’t want to know?