It hits me how little we know about each other. Of all the awful things that Ben said to me, that’s the one that’s stuck. We don’t know anything really, we just got stuck in a bubble We told each other little things and convinced ourselves that we were opening up.
What me and Ben had was a sham.
“I’m not sure,” I admit. “Are they identical?”
“Again that’s something we don’t know at this stage, so I can’t tell you that I’m afraid.” I think she can tell by the look on my face that I’m not quite okay with this. “Would you like me to give you some literature so you can read through it? Get more used to the idea of having twins. The pregnancy will be different and so will the birth. It might be better to be well informed.”
“Yes please,” I gasp back. “Thank you.”
What do I do now? Do I tell Ben? On the one hand if he doesn’t want one baby he definitely won’t want two, but if I keep it from him am I the bad person? I want to let him know everything so I can’t be blamed for everything, but this is heavy. I just don’t know.
I take the information from the doctor and thank her in a blur. Then I stagger out of the hospital in a real state of shock. I suppose if I’m going to tell Ben then I need to do it now. Before all sensibilities kick in and I absolutely lose it.
Twins... that changes everything. Now I really need to get myself in order. There’s no more waiting around now. I have to do something drastic and quickly.
Chapter Twenty One – Ben
Dude, your phone has been ringing for hours,” Kyle slurs drunkenly at me over the music. “Are you going to answer it or can you turn it off already?”
I don’t know why I’m out with Kyle actually, I’ve realised that I don’t really like him much, but he’s one of the clients that’s stuck around so I have to treat him right. I want to get out anyway, aside from working all I want to do is party and have fun at the moment. I need to forget the weird little new life that I created for myself, the one that ended in utter disaster. I need to get back to just being me. This is what I do, drinking, dancing, fucking around... this is more me. It’s good to have that side of me back. Or at least some of it.
“Oh, it’s Mom,” I slur back as I stand up. “I better give her a call back.”
Kyle barely pays any attention to me, he’s too busy trying to get into the pants of the bar maid who’s much too young for him and definitely not interested, so I leave without saying anything more. He barely needs me with him to be honest, I don’t know why I came.
I pick up as soon as I get outside into the fresh air and a bit of silence, but I don’t even manage to say anything before she starts of on a rant that must have been building for hours.
“Ben, what the hell is going on with you? I’ve been trying to ring you for two days.”
“Been busy,” I shoot back in a pathetic, snappy tone. “You know how it is.”
“Busy? Sounds like you’re out drinking to me. What is going on with you?”
“Nothing, Mom. I’m just focusing on getting the business back on track. Things slid for a while because I was distracted but it’s all good now. I’m only out now because I’m entertaining a client.” Why I feel the need to explain myself I’ll never know. That’s just the effect that Mom has on me. “It’s all good, Mom. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“The business.” She sounds resigned. “And how does Serena feel about you spending all your time working and drinking again? I’m sure she’s very pleased. And when will I get to meet her? You promised me that I would soon but I’ve got nothing from you.”
My heart aches at her words. She’s talking about a life I don’t have anymore, a version of myself that I had to sacrifice for my business. Much as I know I did the right thing, I know Mom won’t get it. I don’t even know how to explain it all to her. I’m going to have to leave some certain details out. The baby, for instance. I cannot tell her that.
“Me and Serena are no more, Mom, so it’s probably a good job you never met her.” I kick a stone on the floor as I speak. I feel childish and silly, but the booze has loosened my tongue slightly. “I don’t know what I was thinking with her really. It was obvious from the start that we were never going to be. We couldn’t last because we are just too different.”
“Oh, Ben.” Mom sounds sad for me now. I think there’s some pity there which I really don’t need. “Why do you always have to put the company first? If you’re having some troubles, hire some better management staff. Or scale back just a little bit, or even a lot, you can now. You’ve made more than enough money to live comfortably for the rest of your life. I don’t know why you can’t focus on other things now. It seems silly to me.”
I rub my forehead hard. “Mom, you don’t get it and you’re never going to get it. I work because I have to, I can’t have all these distractions. I’m young anyway, twenty eight years old, I don’t need to be thinking about girlfriends, or marriage, or babies...”
“Babies?” Shit, I’ve said the magic word and Mom has leapt on it. “Was there a baby in the picture? Ben, you better tell me if there was.”
I can’t tell her, but I can’t lie to her either, so instead I change the subject to get her off the phone. “Mom, I can’t talk about this right now. I’m in a business meeting like I said. Can we discuss it another time? Please?” I need her to listen, I’m desperate for her to just get it.
“I’ll come and visit you then, alright?” She’s giving in, thank goodness.
“Fine, whatever. See you then. Bye.”
Once I hang up the phone, my head falls into my hands. A deep wave of regret washes over me. I wish I could split myself into two different people; o
ne to do the things that I need to do, the work, the business, taking care of the money, and one to do the things that I want to do. That version of me could be with Serena, could be a dad, and could just be happy.
Unfortunately, that’s simply impossible.