My thoughts drifted to Rob again, and then my heart somersaulted. I pressed a palm to my chest, just breathing in deeply. His face popped in my mind, and I tried to visualize how he’d take the news.
On the short way from the station to my house, two cravings took hold of me: frozen yogurt and blueberry pancakes. It took all my willpower not to run to the nearest shop. Why could I not crave just yogurt and blueberries? So much for Tess’s theory that I’d finally develop healthy eating habits. Ah, I had some interesting months ahead of me.
Usually, my home was my safe space where I could relax and unwind. Tonight, it had the opposite effect. The second I stepped inside, I became jittery, and breathing was a chore. The walls of the house were closing in on me.
I could do my Pilates—no, wait, was that safe for the baby? I googled it, but far from putting my mind at ease, the list of things forbidden during pregnancy just made my stomach roll. I ate soft cheese two days ago, and that was a big no-no. And I’d had wine during our girls’ evening. Okay... breathe in, breathe out. It couldn’t be that hard, right? Except it kind of was, and the constant effort was making me dizzy.
Clearly, I’d been wrong, and I wasn’t ready to be on my own. I didn’t want to call Tess though. She’d come right away, and she was also exhausted.
I needed to get out of the house. I changed into comfortable clothes and smiled at the
sleepy street. It was quiet except for the occasional TV sounds filtering out through open windows. The usual outdoor chatter and laughter of kids was nonexistent.
I liked the neighborhood like this and started to understand why Rob liked to run at night. It was peaceful.
The end of August air was hot and humid but refreshing at the same time. The smell of London plane trees was thick around me.
I stepped onto a playground, grinning. Ah, I had the swing all to myself. The stones crunched under my feet. I sat on the swing, leaning forward at once. It was plush and comfy, and I loved it. Nothing like the wooden ones I remembered from back when I was a kid. I mean, they did the job just fine, but my adult ass appreciated whatever padding this one had.
Almost instinctively, I touched my belly. Would I be a good parent?
My most burning desire was to make sure my kid never, ever felt unwanted. That had left scars for a long time. The saddest part was that my siblings and I had been wanted at some point. My parents had been married for a long time before my dad left. My throat closed up as I remembered those nights I’d spent wondering how he could suddenly stop wanting to be our dad.
What if Rob felt pressured into... I didn’t know, being happy now, and then later on he’d realize he wasn’t actually happy? I stopped swinging, just leaning my head on the metal railing, trying to banish this ugly train of thought from my mind. It was not anchored in reality, and I refused to allow myself to be swept into this vortex of negativity.
My throat had other plans. It kept closing up. My eyes were burning.
No, I will not cry for no reason at all.
Damn, I needed a hug. But I still couldn’t call Tess. My brothers were great huggers, but I still couldn’t make them come all the way here. I could go to Mom’s place and crash there, but I couldn’t fess up about my depressing thoughts without upsetting her too, and I refused to do that.
Leaping down from the swing, I shook my head, deciding to get myself the next best thing besides a hug: a treat.
Thankfully, the convenience store was too far away, so my best option was the shawarma truck at the station. That counted as semi-healthy, right? It had chicken, veggies, and cilantro... and delicious mayo and fries, but all in all, a balanced treat, right?
Squaring my shoulders, I marched toward the station, already feeling better just at the thought of the shawarma. The mind was an amazing thing, and I was determined to steer it toward happiness territory. My kid would know it was wanted. Also, I was 100 percent certain it would inherit the Winchester unhealthy eating habits.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Rob
The trip to LA was a success. Despite Alyssa’s initial reluctance, I convinced her to take charge. I needed someone I could trust to handle things here, and someone new just didn’t cut it. Why was it that competent people doubted themselves while incompetent ones thought they were the shit?
I returned to New York earlier than anticipated. I landed in the evening, and I hadn’t told Skye yet, because she hadn’t answered my calls yesterday and the evening before. True, it had been late, but she usually didn’t go to bed that early. She texted the next morning saying she’d fallen asleep and to call her whenever I had time. The scenario repeated the following evening.
We kept missing each other, but I was determined to get ahold of her this evening. Initially, I’d planned to surprise her by showing up directly on her doorstep, but I couldn’t wait any longer. I called her as soon as I landed.
After two rings, she picked up.
“Hey, finally,” I said.
“Good evening, oh all-important business guy.”
It was so relieving just to hear her voice, making me realize how much I missed her. This woman had become a part of me.
“Hey, you’re the one who went to bed before ten two nights in a row.”
“I know, I know. I’m a sleepyhead these days.”