“Don’t say only. That’s a horrible word. Trauma begins the second you realize something bad is going to happen. You don’t have to minimize it for me or anyone else around here, but especially don’t minimize it for yourself.”
Mia goes on, talking about what happened to her in Venezuela years ago, how Scooter rescued her, how she clung to him like a life raft the second he picked her up from the filthy floor in that hellhole she was stuck in. She chuckles without humor when those same shadows that still haunt her also creep into her mind, making her wonder if he only stuck around because she was too weak to let him go.
I wish I could picture Javier as my savior, but it’s been hard to fully wrap my mind around him not being a bad guy. Even with the proof I have, including his interactions with me, I still can’t seem to let go of the fear I felt every second that I was there.
“The man who bought me is an undercover FBI agent,” I explain.
“So, he protected you?” she asks after looking over her shoulder, making it clear she wouldn’t feel comfortable having this conversation if others were around.
“I guess. He never physically hurt me, but another man there raped one of the girls. She starved herself to death after.”
Mia frowns, her cheeks turning pink, and I wonder if she’s fighting as hard as I am to keep from crying.
“People respond differently in those situations. Some fight until they can’t anymore. Some try to manipulate their way out of it by flirting and being what they think the men want. Every situation is hard to watch as it unfolds.”
I nod, not knowing which category I would’ve fit in had I been Megan when Juan attacked.
“I just can’t wrap my head around Javier being a good guy, and how fucked up is it that I could never fully wrap my head around him being a bad guy either.”
“Our minds are built to try to find answers to questions that are impossible to explain. It’s hard to accept that sometimes the answers aren’t always yes or no or black and white.”
I nod, understanding what she’s saying even though it doesn’t help solve my problem.
“Is it weird that I don’t hate him?”
“No, and just like what I said about people handling things differently, I don’t think you’d be horrible if he did hurt you and you didn’t hate him. We’re not single-minded creatures. Humans are insanely complex, and science will spend the rest of eternity trying to figure out how we operate, and it will never be fully understood.”
“He raped a woman, twice. Or at least I thought he did.”
“That woman you came here with?”
I nod. “She’s also an agent, and apparently they have a history. What I thought happened wasn’t what really happened, but I’m—”
“Having a hard time consolidating the two?”
“Exactly.”
“And that may take time, or you may never be able to look at him and not see the man you thought was capable of hurting someone like that.”
My eyes drift down to the still uneaten plate of eggs. They’re cold by now, and I feel bad that Cannon wasted his energy to make them for me.
“Are you planning to stay here? I only ask because if they find Thumper, they’re going to bring him back here. You’re going to have to see him. Are you going to be okay with that?”
“I don’t know,” I say, not answering the first question because I don’t know the answer to the other.
Will I be okay to see Javier, knowing everything I know now? Can I look at him and not see the man I thought he was? It didn’t take much for me to see Lauren as an agent, but the entire time I thought she was a victim.
I close my eyes, thinking back to the times I spent in his office, and my mind chooses to focus on the push-ups and the sit-ups I saw him doing, his golden skin working up a sheen of sweat, the dips and curves, and all of that raw, masculine power. I have to snap my eyes open because despite his undercover status, I was his captive.
You can trust him.
I hate that Lauren’s words have been on constant replay in my head since she said it.
“Are you questioning why you think he’s handsome?”
“I don’t think he’s—”
She cocks an eyebrow at my lie falling from my lips.
“I’ve seen the man. I’m in a committed relationship with Ryan, but I still have eyes. Thumper is good looking.”
“All the guys here are good looking. It’s like—”
“Being gorgeous is a club requirement?” she asks with a laugh. “I know, right?”
I give her a weak smile. “It’s just that he was a bad guy and then he wasn’t. He didn’t hurt me, but the threat was there that he could. He hurt Lauren, but then I find out he didn’t actually hurt Lauren.”