“Easier said than done, brother.” He raises an eyebrow at me.
“Got ghosts,” I reply as the waitress drops our plates off in front of us.
It’s all I’m going to give him. My personal life, my hell, is not his business. I have the means now to find Amber, though I don’t. I made a vow to my father the day I signed my enlistment papers to let the Army make a man out of me. I promised I would let Amber go and live her life free of me. Since the moment I took my oath, I haven’t looked into her, and I won’t. The baby is gone. There is nothing for me to talk to her about without bringing up what is one bad fucking memory.
When Madyson was found, I promised her I would be by her side to make sure she could move on in life. I made a vow to leave Amber alone, good or bad. I had to keep my word. I wouldn’t leave Madyson alone, though. No, I gave her my word to be her support.
And I have.
Ice raises his hands in surrender, knowing I’m done talking about Madyson. “For now, I don’t have to kick your ass.”
“Forever,” I clip back, meaning it. I do care about Madyson’s well-being, but not in the way he thinks.
Three years ago, Madyson was kidnapped, drugged, and raped by men who were operating a sex slave ring out of the Miami area. The Regulators had already taken notice of the number of women who had gone missing, but it became personal when Ice’s daughter, Brooke’s best friend, Madyson, became one of those missing women.
Our club went in undercover, starting a business relationship with the man we thought was running the ring. I had to do some despicable shit to prove the Regulators were genuinely interested, such as fuck two of their drugged-up whores. In the end, though, it had been worth it, because we got Madyson back.
Sometimes, you have to get your hands dirty to help other people. I have no problem doing that. I also have no problem with the black strokes each offense leaves on my soul. I am coming to realize there isn’t much of a soul left in me, anyway. The way I prove to myself that I actually am some sort of decent human being is by doing things like putting Madyson through school; giving one girl the chance that I had inadvertently taken from another so many years ago.
If I would have stopped to think all those years ago, things would be different. Instead, one night was the catalyst to my future. Madyson landing on my doorstep is my penance. My reminder of the damage that can be done. I take her burdens as my own because I couldn’t do it for Amber so long ago.
It’s one of those things I don’t need to explain to a single soul. It’s between me and whatever higher power I choose to believe in today.
With our meals in front of us, we eat and spend the rest of our time in companionable silence. Brett “Ice” Grady is one of my long-time friends. He’s also not one to press for words. Even if he did, he wouldn’t get them, not from me. My past is my own, and it’s not something anyone needs to know.
I left Trevor Blake behind the day I enlisted in the United States Army. My black heart is dark as coal, they say, and earned me my name in the Green Berets where I met Ice, Shooter, and Hammer. I kill without question. I sleep without dreams. And even after all these years later, I still wonder if no was yes, or somehow yes was no. It eats at me. It’s my penance to pay. I won’t bother her, though. I won’t dredge up the history for Amber. I let it be the gray area in life and determined that my future would be black and white forever. I no longer leave anything to chance or a misunderstanding.
The baby lost, a life gone. My mind used to wonder what happened to Amber? Did she move on? I still can’t wrap my brain around that night. Every time I go back there, I swear, in my memories, she wanted it as much as I did. She was drunk; we both were. It was wrong to push when she wasn’t sober. I learned from my mistakes. Since that night, I only fuck for release, and I pay for it. Every cent forked over, every fuck is a business transaction. There is no way I will allow myself to ever wonder again if I took something without consent.
I begin to lose my appetite just thinking about it.
I have killed, harmed, lied, and blackmailed. In fact, I have done everything an average person would consider awful. Even killed kids. I killed a seven-year-old with a bomb strapped to him. Some say it was for the greater good. My commander considered it following an order. “Don’t take it to heart,” he said. I didn’t take it to heart. I let it bleed out of my soul until there wasn’t a single ounce of a person left inside of me.