Alex nods seriously. His first few attempts are adorable, if not necessarily accurate, but after a few minutes of chanting together he’s got it down and I begin to feel like we’re performing some kind of magic spell.
“That’s perfect! Okay and once you’ve done that, I want you to shout ‘The feds don’t like tax evaders!’ Shall we practise that one too?”
Alex repeats it obediently, grinning and almost vibrating with excitement. It makes my heart melt, and I wonder idly if Jess will object to me teaching her nephew how to cause anarchy on a cruise ship.
“Okay that’s perfect. So we yell ‘corporate espionage’ and then we yell ‘the feds don’t like tax evaders’. Will you remember both of them?”
“I can do it,” Alex nods solemnly, committed to his task. I ruffle his hair lightly.
“That’s my boy,” I say proudly. I stand up again and am about to resume my pacing when Alex’s little voice stops me in my tracks.
“I’m not anyone’s boy.”
I turn around and crouch down again. While he was so excited and full of energy just minutes ago, Alex is now looking down at the floor and rubbing the skin of his right hand with his left thumb and forefinger. I reach out and grab his hand lightly, rubbing soothing circles into his palm.
“What do you mean, kiddo?”
He doesn’t speak for a second, but I stay quiet. Eventually he turns his big brown eyes up to meet my concerned gaze.
“Maybe Auntie Jess won’t want me forever and then I’ll have to go and live with mommy again. I didn’t like it. It was scary sometime
s.”
My heart squeezes and I pull the little boy into a fierce hug. He sniffles against my shoulder, and I fumble around in my pocket for a tissue. Pulling back, I dab at his eyes and help him blow his nose.
“And I don’t want to live with a stranger! I want to live with Auntie Jess, but what if I’m too much trouble and I run out of facts to give her and she decides I’m boring so she gives me away. I don’t want to be given away. Again.”
Alex was on a roll, tripping over himself in his haste to spill his worst fears to me. I sit on the floor and pull him onto my lap. I stroke his hair soothingly and rock us gently.
Alex trails off into sniffs and small hiccups. He burrows his face into the crook of my neck and I kiss him lightly on his straw colored hair.
We sit quietly for a while until he stops hiccuping. I draw away and wipe his face again. His lower lip quivers slightly and I have to bite my own lip to stop myself from crying along with him.
I’ve never been a particularly responsible person, and I’ve never been the sort to fawn over little kids. Give me dogs or cars over children any day. But seeing Alex so distraught makes me feel awful.
I cuddle him closer again and resume my rocking motion. I try to find the right words to comfort him. I’ve never been one for serious conversations with anyone, much less ones where you are supposed to tread delicately, but I have to give it my best shot.
I can’t stand the thought of Alex being so sad and scared all the time. I have to try and help.
I begin hesitantly. I want to help but I don’t know if it’s my place to. I’ve never been in this situation before.
“You know Alex, Jess loves you. She loves you so much so you really don’t have to worry.”
“I know she loves me, but love isn’t always enough. My mommy loved me but it wasn’t enough.”
I can’t stand thinking about what Alex has been through that’s made him so mature and serious at such a young age. I swallow and try again.
“Yes but your mommy loves you so much that she gave you to your Auntie Jess to keep you safe. And Jess loves you so much and that will never change. You’re her best nephew, aren’t you?”
“I’m her only nephew,” he rolls his eyes at me, but I see a faint smile tug at the corner of his mouth. Encouraged by this success, I push on.
“Well I bet she’s never asked for another one! Has she?”
He shakes his head reluctantly.
“See? I told you so. She loves you more than anything, and she’ll never just give you away to strangers.”
Alex rests his head on my shoulder again. “How do you know if someone loves you enough?”