“I-I can’t fall or she will pay.” Her voice breaks at the last word.
“She?”
Aiden moves in my arms and I hold his head against my shoulder so he doesn’t see the scene in front of me. There’s a reason why I don’t leave him unsupervised with her anymore. I always have one of my security with them even when they’re within the house’s walls. I might not be able to let go of Alicia, but I will not risk my son or my nephew’s safety.
Aiden’s soft snoring fills the silence and Alicia slowly turns around, her head tilted to the side. Her hair covers one of her unblinking dark eyes, her petite nose and her defined cheekbones. In the dark, she appears as pale as her nightgown. Like a ghost of herself.
Her expression is far away, almost as if she’s disconnected from this world and already reaching for a distant one.
It’s only when her eyes fall on Aiden that she blinks twice and tears shine on her lids. “W-what is he doing here? He shouldn’t be here, Jonathan. The devil will come for him.”
“I’ll take him to bed, okay?”
She nods several times. “Okay.”
“Now, come down.” Keeping one hand on Aiden’s back, I reach the other to her. “Let’s take you to bed, too.”
She stares at my extended palm as a tear falls down her cheek. “I didn’t take my pills.”
“I know.”
If she had, she wouldn’t be roaming the fucking halls in the middle of the night. But I also can’t and won’t force her to take them, even if the shrink tells me it’s for her sake. Antidepressants turn her numb and she stops paying attention to Aiden. She stops eating and talking.
She stops existing altogether.
“The pills don’t let me feel,” she whispers.
“I know.”
“I hate it. I hate not feeling.” She’s full out crying now, tears soaking her cheeks and wetting the delicate line of her throat.
“I know.”
“Don’t you hate me, Jonathan? Don’t you wish you got yourself one of those normal women?”
“I never hated you, Alicia. I hate the world who turned you into this.” I take one more step forward, resisting the urge to yank her down from the edge. “Now, come down.”
She stares at my hand, lips trembling. “But I hate me. I hate what I’m doing.”
“What you’re doing?”
Slowly, her eyes meet mine as she reaches her hand. “I saw the devil today, darling. I think he’s coming after me.”
“What devil?”
“I’ll take the pills.” She sniffles, pulling her hand back before her fingers could touch mine. “I think I hate feeling more than not feeling.”
Ignoring my extended palm, she gets off the railing, her bare feet touching the ground. She approaches me but never looks me in the eyes. Instead, she brushes her lips against Aiden’s hair.
He mumbles something in his sleep, and she smiles. It’s a weird one — her smile, that is. Not only is it heartbreaking but it’s also like an extension of her tears.
“Protect him, Jonathan.” She pauses. “Even from me if you have to.”
I’m about to hug her, to tell her that she’d never hurt Aiden, but she brushes past me in the direction of the stairs.
I release a long sigh as my hand falls to my side, lifeless and empty. A foreboding feeling stays lodged in my chest as I watch her retreating back.
Why the fuck does it feel like the beginning of the end?