Wrong place.
Wrong mindset.
Wrong bloody air.
The only thing that keeps flashing in my mind is the look of horror and despair on those teary eyes as she stared up at me.
The way she begged even though she’s not the type to.
I meant to scare her, put her in her place, and teach her that there’s no crossing me.
But as I stared at the terror in her gaze and felt her shrink and tremble against me, something strange happened.
I had doubts.
I have doubts.
For my entire life, I’ve been taught to be assertive. Once I plan everything to a T and study every possible outcome, I shouldn’t look twice before forging ahead.
After all, no battles were won by just holding down the fort.
My family is known for its boldness whether in business, social, or political situations. We don’t back down once we put our sights on something.
Tonight shouldn’t have been any different.
Yet… it was.
Maybe I took it too far. Maybe I triggered some sort of a trauma that she struggled to keep buried inside.
Her voice sounded hauntingly similar to that black night.
I run a hand through my hair and throw the cigarette away.
It’s over.
It’s done.
That should teach Astrid her place.
Judging from how Daniel is singing with Ronan, it seems she didn’t bother to call or text him.
Not sure if that should delight or anger me.
A part of me is glad the whole thing is done, but the other part, the most confusing fucking part feels emptier and blacker than I did at the beginning of the night.
This is supposed to be my win but I don’t feel victorious.
14
Astrid
I don’t hate you, I hate my weakness.
* * *
I hide in the confines of my room underneath the blanket, breathing my own air.
For always chastising myself about feeling strong, I don’t anymore.