Because you don’t know.
I shake my head, my fist pulsing around the wheel.
Just tell her.
I pull the car into a parking space and cut the engine, but I’m slow to turn to her, slow to gather my thoughts. ‘I’m sorry, Coco. I’m sorry for—’
‘I know you are. But you’re here and that’s all I need; now, let’s go.’
Her hand is already on the door handle, her eagerness to get in there clear, and I tell myself it’ll be okay. That I’ll have all the time I need to make it up to her.
If she lets you anywhere near her again...
* * *
Ash is my saviour. He talks to the reception staff, gets the necessary directions to the ICU, and his arm is a constant around me, a welcome hold that gives me heat, strength, courage.
I know the ICU is bad news. And I think in some way that impedes my step, as if seeing her there will confirm my fears. Even though I always knew it would come to this, I thought we had some time. But not now—not while I was away.
‘What if she’s not conscious?’
I think the words come out, but it’s not until Ash speaks that I know they have for sure.
‘Let’s just wait and see what they say, hey?’
‘But what if I don’t get to say goodbye? What if she goes and I haven’t told her that I love her? What...?’
I can’t talk any more as the tears take over and Ash pulls me into him, stopping us altogether. He kisses my head and cups my jaw, encouraging me to look up at him.
‘Remember what she always told you? “Stiff upper lip”?’ He mimics me and I laugh through my tears as I nod. ‘So, come on, get those Lauren genes going and put up a front she’d be proud of. You can tell her all those things whether she’s sleeping or not, just as soon as you get through those doors.’
I smile. It’s pathetic, but it’s there, and he brushes his thumbs over my eyes, sweeping away the tears.
‘Good girl. Now, come on...let’s—’
‘What the actual fuck?’
I freeze mid-sniff, sense Ash turn rigid, his face losing all colour as he looks past me to the doors we’re about to go through.
I turn to see Philip gawping at us. ‘Calm down,’ I say. ‘This is—’
‘I know who he is, Coco.’ His eyes are pinned on Ash, unmoving. ‘What the fuck are you doing here?’
I frown, unable to understand his words. What does he mean? How can he possibly know who Ash is?
Before I can say anything, Ash is pushing me back behind him, forming a human shield, his hand palm-out to Philip.
‘Easy, Lauren—let’s talk about this later, not here.’
‘Not here?’
Philip’s brows rocket, spit forming with his words. I’ve never seen him this angry.
‘I’m a bloody fool. I don’t know why I didn’t see it sooner. Are you two in cahoots? Is that what this is? You turning the tables on me?’
He’s not making any sense. ‘Ash?’ I say to his back, but he doesn’t even turn. ‘Ash?’
Now he looks at me, his eyes hard, impenetrable.