‘Isn’t that so, Rafael? Rafael?’
I turn to see my mother staring pointedly at me from further along the table. Tyler’s parents across from me are also looking rather expectant, but I have no idea what I’m supposed to be responding to.
‘Scusi, what was that?’
My mother rolls her eyes and shakes her head. ‘You’ve hardly been with us all afternoo
n. What’s wrong with you?’
I take a sip of wine and lean back in my chair. ‘Work.’
The lie is easy. Far easier than the truth. That the woman two seats down from me, with Dante between us, is causing my mind to wander. Hell, maybe it bothers me more because I know Dante is a better match for her. Dani certainly thinks it’s the case.
‘Of course.’ My mother looks to Tyler’s parents. ‘No change there. He’s all work and no play, my son.’
Tyler’s father murmurs a respectful, ‘He has the success to show for it too.’ While his mother beams at me.
Marianna, on the other hand, looks as if she’s sucking on a lemon. ‘That may be, but it would be nice to have your son’s attention once in a while.’
The wine turns bitter on my tongue and I’m about to respond when Faye’s voice reaches me. ‘It’s such a beautiful part of the world here. Rafael told me you used to live here when he was a child, Marianna?’
My mother’s eyes leave me to find Faye and her face softens, a wistful smile touching her lips. ‘We did. It feels like a whole other lifetime ago now.’
‘Do you miss it?’
Now my mother really does smile, and an unexpected sheen fills her eyes. I’m frozen as I take it in, witnessing an emotion that’s not anger, either acrid or cold. There’s no petulance, no arrogance. And yet the strength of it, its sincerity, guts me.
‘I do. I often wonder if I should come back, but in my heart I know it wouldn’t be the same as it once was. It’s the people that make a home. It was...it was Eduardo who made it home.’
I watch Nonna reach out for my mother’s hand and give it a squeeze, a rare sign of affection between the two, and I feel the mood around the table turn sombre with reflection. I can’t breathe. It’s the first time I’ve heard my mother say my father’s name in too many years to count and it resonates through me. A grief I haven’t allowed for so long assaults me without warning and it’s suffocating. The pressure of it pushes down on my chest and I need to get out of there.
I push back from the table, the iron chair legs screeching against the travertine floor and through my skull, but I don’t even wince. My apology, when I utter one, is practically mute as I head for the steps that lead towards the gardens.
A hand grasps mine, making me pause. It’s Dani, smiling softly, mouthing It’s okay. But it’s not.
I don’t want to make a scene. I’ve already made enough of one and I need the air. I need the space.
So much space.
* * *
I watch him go. I watch Dani watch him go. And the need to go after him burns through me. Why hasn’t she gone after him?
Even with his well-tailored jacket enhancing the line of his shoulders, they look drawn in, tense, and nothing can take my focus away from his retreating form.
He doesn’t look back, just keeps going until he’s lost amongst the darkness and the foliage. But still I can’t focus on the conversation that picks up around the table. Everyone tries to fill the awkward lull save for me. I’m too annoyed that no one else is going. I look to Dani, my eyes urging her to go and check on him without actually coming right out and saying it.
She leans into me, her hand coming to rest on my own. ‘It’s okay. He’ll be okay,’ she says in a hushed tone for my ears only. ‘Mum’s forever winding him up when we’re together and he’ll take himself off for a time-out to calm down and—’
‘A time-out?’ My whisper is rushed, breathless with disbelief. ‘He’s not some naughty toddler being sent away, Dani.’
Her eyes widen with a laugh. ‘I didn’t say he was, but now you—’
She breaks off abruptly at the continued concern in my face. ‘Okay, okay, if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll go and check on him.’
‘No, it’s fine, I’ll go.’
I’m already rising, but her hand reaches out for me again. ‘Hey, are you okay?’