y and I hate that he does so. ‘Please, let me—’
‘Don’t, Cait. I don’t deserve your sympathy and I certainly don’t want your pity.’
‘But don’t you see, it wasn’t your fault? What she did, what they did, it’s twisted, wrong.’
‘And it made me who I am today. I tried to warn you. I told you I was no good for you. I’m messed up, fucked in the head.’
‘No, Jackson, you’re not. They are.’
‘That’s where you’re wrong. The things I’ve done to you, Ash and Coco’s wedding night...’ He shakes his head, turning away from me once more. ‘What I did to you was no better than what she did to me.’
‘You’re wrong. There was nothing wrong with what we did, what we shared. I wanted that every bit as much as you, and I still want it. I want all of you, Jackson, I want the darkness so I can make it light. I want to show you that you’re a better man than you think you are. I want to show you that you are worth loving.’
He turns his head to look at me side on, his eyes pleading, his frown crushing. ‘You can’t change me, Cait. I am what I am.’
I slip my hand around the glass in his hand and take it from him, placing it on the coffee table so that I can lace my fingers in his. Just the simple touch of skin against skin comforts me, warms me, connects us.
I pull him to face me.
‘You’re not listening to me, Jackson.’ My heart pulses in my chest, desperate, needing him to see. ‘I don’t need to change you; I need you to see yourself as I see you. As our friends see you. I need you to see that you are lovable, you are kind, you are honest, you are loyal.’
His eyes glisten and my heart aches so acutely it’s a physical pain.
He wets his lips, his voice hushed. ‘I’m messed up, Cait.’
‘That doesn’t make you a bad person...’ I cup his face in my palms. ‘It means you ought to talk to someone—if not me, a professional. Someone who can help you. But it doesn’t mean I can’t love you, Jackson. Please, just let me love you.’
He squeezes his eyes shut, his hands lifting to cover mine as he drags in a breath and then his hands fall to my wrists, gripping as he forces them down. No, no, no. He opens his eyes and I see the steely resolve, the hardness, the decision he’s made. My head is shaking before he even speaks.
‘I can’t. I just can’t do it. I can’t risk breaking you.’
‘You’re breaking me now.’
‘It’s over, Cait. You need to accept it.’
‘No, no, Jackson, I won’t. I love you. I’m not giving up on what we have, on us...on you.’
He releases me and walks away.
‘Please, Jackson.’
He doesn’t even slow his stride as he heads for the door.
‘Where are you going?’
‘Back to the club.’
‘Jackson, don’t do this. Don’t walk away.’
He keeps going.
‘How can you give Eliza the power to ruin your future?’ I call out, desperate.
Now he stops, and a tiny spark of hope flickers to life.
‘Can’t you see,’ I plead softly, ‘you’re letting her dictate your future as well as your past? Can’t you see you’re letting her win?’
‘This isn’t some game, Cait. This isn’t about Eliza winning. Nobody wins in this. I can’t love you like you deserve to be loved.’