We may not be a real couple, but we are friends, and I can give him that at least. Although he may not see it in quite the same way. Having spent two hours with us already, he’s had a grilling from each of my brothers, had his cheeks pinched by Gran, and been poured a welcome-to-the-family whisky by Dad.
I’ll be lucky if our friends-with-benefits arrangement lasts the day.
‘You can head off if you need to?’ I rush the question out and it has his lips quirking up, his eyes laughing into mine.
‘You’re kidding, right? I don’t dare. I’m sure Marlene has already adjusted the table.’
‘Granny Marlene has it sorted,’ Annie butts in, pulling out another piece of tinsel and contemplating where she can hang it off Jackson next. ‘She made Dad peel more veg.’
‘Did she now?’ I take hold of Annie’s shoulders and turn her towards the living room. ‘Why don’t you take the tinsel through there, to the right tree, before you have Jackson tied down?’
My cheeks flush as the memory of being tied down for real scores my brain. My eyes flit to Jackson and I know he’s thinking the same. I give a quick shake of my head to his deep laugh.
‘Right, Captain Jake,’ he declares, ‘what’s next?’
‘Are you sure?’ I say softly. I don’t want him scared off—I don’t want him to leave now either, but if it means keeping our fragile arrangement in place I’d rather he went and I saw him later.
But his grin is wide as he looks to me and his eyes shine. ‘Yes.’
His happiness doesn’t look fake. He looks surprisingly at home and my chest eases, my heart not so much. I want this and I want it for real.
He frowns. ‘Hey, are you okay?’
He’s asking me and I know the blood has left my face, my throat too tight to speak. I curse Blondie for breaking him, I curse my heart for not playing ball, I curse it all as I swallow and give him a nod. ‘Hangover.’
‘Right, who’s up for eggnog?’ Matt, my eldest brother walks in, his heavily pregnant wife, Marie, in his wake.
‘Please tell me it’s a yes,’ she says. ‘I certainly can’t drink it, not with the amount of rum Granny has put in it.’
‘Sorry, love, but she’s right, it wouldn’t be eggnog without it.’ He leans back to give her a kiss to the cheek, their love so obvious, and it stamps all over my bruised heart.
‘Thanks, Matt.’ I roll my eyes playfully. ‘You know Jackson has to drive later, right?’
‘I can get us a cab,’ the driver in question says, like it’s nothing. Like staying here and playing happy families with my enormous family is an everyday occurrence for him and I can’t prevent the look I send his way. I’m not sure if it’s panicked or grateful or soppy or all of the above.
‘You sure?’
‘Stop worrying,’ he whispers in my ear, low enough for me to hear, low enough for its deep resonance to send a tremor of excitement running through my body.
‘I sure am.’ He lowers Jake from his back and slips his arm around my waist, startling my nerve endings into a dizzying dance. ‘Unless you’re not up to more alcohol just yet?’
I erupt on a breathless laugh. ‘No, I’m ready.’
We join my brother and his wife, scooping up a glass each. ‘Cheers.’
We clink them together and drink.
I take in the happy smiles, the perfect moment, and wish so hard I could make it real. I hold Jackson’s eye and see everything I want looking back at me...
Why can’t you just love me?
* * *
I don’t know what’s happening other than the fact that this feels nice; it feels like I belong, which in itself is ridiculous. I don’t belong at all. I’ve never been part of a family. I’ve never been fussed over, looked after, fed even.
But her family have sucked me into their warm bubble and I can’t escape it.
Worse, I’m not ready to escape it.