To go to the hospital.
To see her.
I hug him tight. “I know. It’s going to be okay. She’s getting help.”
“I hope so.” His voice cracks. “Jesus, I fucking hope so.”
“I know so.”
“Something’s wrong,” Dad says from the table as I load dirty plates into the dishwasher. “You’re quiet.”
Am I that obvious?
“Just worried about Canyon,” I admit with a sigh. “Carrie too.”
He stands and walks over to me. “You’ve gotten really close with him lately. I must say, Ryan and I are pleasantly surprised. I mean, all those years that neither of you showed any interest in getting to know the other. The fact that we’re getting married and you’re both putting in such an effort means a lot to us.”
I chew on my bottom lip, unable to shake the bout of nerves rattling through me. One of the plates slips from my grip and bangs loudly against the edge of the sink.
“It’s nothing,” I mutter.
“It is to me, Alis.” He clutches my shoulder and gives it a loving squeeze. “I always wanted to give you a complete family.”
Ugh.
Sometimes reality is a bitch.
This is a cold, hard reminder of exactly why Canyon and I need to remain a secret. Because if our dads find out…fuck. It’ll be so bad.
“When did you know you were in love with Ryan?” I ask, still unable to meet his gaze.
He chuckles. “God. Probably when you were ten years old.”
When I came to live with him. Those times were so…fucked up. So damn terrifying. All I wanted was my mom, but she didn’t want me. She wanted booze, and whatever boyfriend was hanging around at the time.
I’d stupidly believed that our move to Florida was a turning point. Turns out, she just wanted a babysitter. Someone to pawn her son off on. She didn’t want to save me from Colin; she wanted to piss him off.
“It was that first month when you came to stay. Tammy…” Dad lets out a heavy sigh. “My sister screwed up. You know that, right? It was her loss. You were her loss.” He grabs my shoulders, turning me to face him. “Taking you in was the best thing I’d ever done. Still is. I love you more than words can describe.”
Hot tears sting my eyes. I cast my gaze to the front of his chest so I don’t have to see his pitying look.
“You were so sullen,” he whispers. “Withdrawn. Jumpy. You felt abandoned.”
She left me.
She dropped me off on her brother’s doorstep and left me.
A tear leaks out, streaking down my cheek. I don’t bother wiping it away. Why? Why did she drag me away from my school and teachers and friends and Colin just to drop me off with an uncle I’d never met and didn’t know?
“Every time the house made a noise, you’d cry.” Dad’s voice grows hoarse. “You’d tremble so badly, Alis. It broke my fucking heart.”
“I hate mice,” I offer lamely.
“I know, kid. I know. And I wanted to help you. I just didn’t know how. What the hell did I know about raising children?”
I remember those early days. I was so lost and afraid. Confused. I’d felt more unloved than ever before. But, for the first time, no one physically hurt me. I tried not to grow attached to “Uncle Quinn,” but then it got too hard. Especially after the accident. Mom eventually came back but inside an urn. I never got to say goodbye. Never got to ask any questions. I was just someone else’s problem. The boy dropped off on Mom’s brother’s doorstep, no longer someone for her to worry about.
Another tear slips down my cheek, and I sniffle.
“God, Alis, you break my heart,” Dad croaks, pulling me to him for a hug. “You did then, too. All I wanted was to be the parent you never had. I needed help, and Ryan had a son your age. I’d always loved Ryan as my best friend. I thought if I loved him hard enough, he’d turn gay for me.” He laughs, but it’s sad. “I had delusions that we could be a family. Parent our boys together, and they’d be best friends too.”
Canyon barely looked up from his phone anytime they came to visit, much less hang out with me. Carrie was always too focused on her dolls to want to play.
“He’d bring the kids over, sit with me in the kitchen, and let me cry on his shoulder.”
“I’m sorry,” I murmur. “I was a burden—”
“Ridiculous,” Dad growls. “You were mine. The second she showed up, I took one look at you and knew you were mine.”
My chest aches. I’m doing him so fucking wrong by being with Canyon.
“But you asked how I knew. It was one night when I admitted to Ryan I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. He squeezed my hand and said he didn’t know what the hell he was doing either. He told me that was how parenthood worked.” Dad pulls away and smiles at me. “I harbored my secret crush for him for a long time.”