“Yeah,” I choked out, trying to wipe away the tears that wouldn’t stop. “I didn’t know how to handle it either. And no one around me knew. I was alone. I was alone with everything, and I didn’t know what to do.” I hated how I talked in circles, but it all fumbled out in a mess of words.
“I’m sorry,” Parker whispered. He paced back in front of me and held his hands out in supplication. “I’m sorry for it all. I’m sorry I left you. I’m sorry I was a selfish kid who didn’t know a lie when I saw one. I should have called you on telling us to leave. I should have called bullshit and stayed by your side. I shouldn’t have left.” He dropped to his haunches and looked up at me with watery eyes. “Not a day goes by, I don’t think of it. Not a moment I don’t think about what happened to you when you were taken—”
“Don’t,” I cut in. It’s one thing to talk around it, but I never talked about it because there was nothing I could do but satisfy someone’s morbid curiosity. “It’s done.”
I sat there, slouched and exhausted from releasing the tension I held back in hopes that if I didn’t acknowledge it, it wouldn’t exist.
Parker slowly reached his hands for mine, and I let him. “I’d never been so scared. I’d never felt so incompetent. I couldn’t help but think you were better off without me because I couldn’t keep you safe like I promised. So, maybe I ran first.”
“I never wanted to be without you,” I whispered. “I loved you.”
“I loved you too, which was why I thought I was doing the right thing.”
I squeezed his hands tighter in mine because there wasn’t anything left to say. We’d both made mistakes. We both fucked up. We’d both been a little selfish and doing the best we could with the nightmares that weighed on us.
I just didn’t know what to do now. We sat in silence, the bus like a battlefield littered with our argument, unsure of how to clean up and make the next step forward.
But like finding a gem amongst the rubble, Oren called through the cracked door from outside, lighting the way.
“Well, just to clarify,” he announced. “I loved you too.”
I jerked toward the door to watch it open, and the guys piled in with hesitance and somber faces. They must have waited outside.
Ash rested his hand on my shoulder. “We’re sorry. We’re all sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too,” I said. No matter how small a part I played in this, I needed to accept that I’d done damage too.
“How can we make it up to you?” Brogan asked.
I looked to each of them. “Just be here now.”
“We can do that,” Parker confirmed.
“And let me have the cushy bunk,” I added, barely holding back a watery laugh.
“Aww, c’mon,” Brogan groaned. “I’m the biggest one here, and it’s the only one with the extra length.”
Getting my smile under control, I fought for a blank stare and shrugged.
“Fine,” he reluctantly agreed. “But only for you.”
“Awww,” Oren cooed, standing. He stepped over and pulled me into a hug. Each of the guys followed suit until we stood in the middle of the bus, holding on to each other. And I had to admit, it was the safest I’d felt in a long time.
I was home.
“Anyone want to play spin the bottle?” Oren asked.
“Yeah, but this time it’s truth or touch my boobies,” Ash said, wagging his brows.
I shoved my way free, laughing. “You guys are the worst.”
“By worst, you actually mean best, right?” Ash asked.
“Maybe,” I conceded.
“Yes,” Oren shouted, throwing his hands up in victory.
“I don’t know about you, but I’m tired as fuck,” Parker said.
We all agreed and headed toward the back.
“Brogan, you can keep your bunk. I just wanted to see you sweat. It was reward enough.”
“Cruel woman,” he grumbled.
That night, Parker didn’t bother waiting for everyone to fall asleep before he crawled up into my bunk. And I didn’t bother to hide how I tucked myself against him and curled up perfectly in his arms to fall asleep.
I told him I loved him then, but safe in his embrace, I wasn’t sure I ever stopped.
Nineteen
Nova
P A S T
“Please, please, please, please.” Oren bounced from foot to foot with his hands clasped together, his puppy dog eyes fully in place.
The other guys stood around waiting for my answer expectantly.
“I’m not even supposed to be in here. If they find out I’m seventeen—”
“Psh,” Ash cut in. “Bear knows how old you are and doesn’t give a shit.”
Oren went back to the annoying begging. “Please, Nova. Please, please, please.”
I looked to Parker for help. “We need the edge,” he explained instead of helping. “The other bands are good, but if we had a girl singer with us, we’d leave no room to beat us.”