8st 9, cigarettes 10, alcohol units 3, calories 4,255 (might as well, enjoy life while still lucky enough to have it), minutes since had sex 16,005,124,00 (must, therefore do something about this).
6 p.m. Me, Jude and Shaz spent all day watching Princess Diana's funeral. All agreed it was like funeral of someone you know, only on somewhat grander scale, so that afterwards you feel as though you have been put through a wringer, but also as though something has been let out of you. Just so pleased that they managed to get everything right. It was all good. Beautiful and really good as if the establishment has really got the message at last, and our country can do things properly again.
Whole thing seems like Shakespearean tragedy or ancient legend, especially with sparring between two great noble houses of Spencer and Windsor. Definitely feel ashamed for working on stupid daytime TV programme where we have often devoted entire afternoons to Diana's hair. Will change life. If establishment can change so can I.
Bit lonely now, though. Jude and Shaz went out into the streets as said they had cabin fever. We tried ringing the police station, as am not allowed out without a policeman, but eventually, after forty-five minutes, we got through to a woman on central switchboard who said everyone was busy, Told Jude and Shaz definitely did not mind if they went out without me as long as they brought back a pizza. Ah. Telephone.
'"Oh, hello, darling, it's Mummy here."
Mummy! Anyone would think I was about to do a poo-poo in her hand.
"Where are you, Mother?" I said. "Oh, I've come out, darling."
For a second I thought she was telling me she was a lesbian and was going to set up home with Uncle Geoffrey in a gay, sexless marriage of convenience.
"We're back home. Everything's sorted out and Daddy's going to be fine. I don't know! Drinking all that time in his shed when I thought it was the tomatoes. Mind you, Gordon Gomersall had exactly the same thing, you know, and Joy had no idea. It's a disease, they say now. What did you think of the funeral?"
"Very nice," I said. "Now what's going on?"
"Well, darling . . ." she began, then there was a kerfuffle and Dad came on the phone.
"It's all right, love. I've just got to stay off the booze," he said. "And they were trying to get Pam out of there from day one."
"Why?" I said, a lurid vision of my mother seducing a procession of eighteen-year-old drug addicts loomed up before my eyes.
He chuckled. "They said she was too normal. Let me give you back."
"Honestly, darling. It was all complete silly-daft nonsense charging these celebrity type of people loads of money to tell them things everybody knows already!"
"What kind of things?"
"Oooh, hang on. I'll just turn the chicken over."
I held the phone away from my ear, trying not to think about what kind of bizarre dish would involve an upside-down chicken.
"Oof. There we go."
"What things did they tell you?"
"Well, in the mornings we all had to sit in a circle and say all kinds of silly things."
"Like ... ?"
"Oh, durrr You know. My name's Pam and I'm a whatever!"
What? I wondered ... ever? Madly over-confident nightmare? Lump-free gravy obsessive? Girl-child torturess? "The things they were coming out with! 'Today I will
be confident in myself, I will not worry about other people's opinions of me.' On and on and on. I mean, honestly, darling. If someone isn't confident in themselves they're not going to get anywhere, are they?" she said, roaring with laughter. "Durrr! Not confident in yourself. I don't know! Why would anyone go around worrving about what anyone else is thinking about them?"
I looked worriedly from side to side. "So what did you say for your affirmations"
"Oh, I wasn't allowed to say anything. Well, at least I was, darling."
"What? What did you have to say?"
Heard my dad laughing in the background. He sounded on good form, anyway. "Tell her, Pam."
"Ufff. Well, I was supposed to say, 'I will not allow over-confidence to blind me to reality' and, 'Today I will recognize my faults as well as my assets.' I mean, it was completely ridiculous, darling. Anyway, must whizz, there's the buzzer. So I'll see you on Monday."