“Wow, Dad.” I was in awe. “That’s so sweet.”
His smiled lingered as he finished off his yogurt. I saw a sad shadow run over him, and my chest tightened. When he was done, he set his empty cup down and watched me for a moment. “Look, Kandy…I know I’m not the greatest dad sometimes. I suck at expressing myself. I guess because I wasn’t really raised in a home that encouraged that.” He scratched at his neck, where the scar was. “I can do crazy things and can get really out of hand, but none of that changes my love for you, you know? I love you so damn much, and I would do anything for you. Even though you’ve grown up and don’t want to spend as much time with your old man, it doesn’t change anything. I will always see you as my little girl. My baby. You hear me?” He grabbed my earlobe and tugged on it, like he used to do when I was little.
I smiled and bit back tears. “I know, Dad. And stop lying to yourself. You’re a great father. You’re busy, just like Mom, but that doesn’t make her less of a mother or a bad mom at all. I get it.”
“I’m never too busy for you. I know that shooting kind of messed things up, and I can’t do as many of the activities I used to, but I’m here. Anytime you want to catch a movie or grab some lunch and dessert, I’m down, you know? Unless you don’t want to be seen in public with this guy?”
“I mean…you are kind of lame,” I teased, laughing with him.
“Lame? Could a lame man pull a woman as beautiful as your mother?”
I giggled. “You always use that as your defense!”
“Well, hey, it’s true. When I met your mom, there was a line of guys after her. I went to a college party, and she was known as the pretty, smart girl who was working toward being a lawyer. She was also a party-girl. How she kept on top of her grades and did all the drinking she did, I have no clue. But she did it.” He winked. “And somehow, out of all the guys there, she noticed me, and I didn’t even go to that school. It’s obvious I have swag.”
“Oh my gosh, Dad. Did you really just say swag?” I busted out laughing. “Please do yourself a favor and never say that again.”
He flashed a wide smile as I continued laughing. I loved seeing Dad like this. Smiling. Happy. Playful. These carefree moments made my heart beat with glee.
He reached across the table and rubbed the top of my forearm. “Just know I’m always here for you. Doesn’t matter if you’re right upstairs or thousands of miles away. If you ever need anything, I’m here for you, you understand?”
I nodded.
“I would kill for you, Kandy, and I mean that. You’re my baby girl, and nobody messes with my girl. Nobody.” He winked and flashed a dimple. I smiled, but couldn’t help the pounding of my heart. It was as if the guilt had snuck its way out of the darkest corners of my body and was streaming through my blood like poison, paralyzing my heart.
I looked into my father’s adoring eyes and hated myself. How could I do this to him? How could I do this to Cane? I loved Cane, yes, but I loved my father so much more. So why was it so damn hard to let go?
“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked, his eyes serious now. “I didn’t say any of that to make you feel bad. I just want you to know I love you, and I’m always here for you.”
“I know, Dad. Trust me, I’ll never forget it.” I dropped my hands and twisted my fingers in my lap, blinking back the tears.
“Good.” He ruffled my hair then knuckled my cheek. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”
During the ride, the anxiety coursed through me. It was powerful. I felt awful, and, honestly, sick to my stomach. I wished in that moment I was still the innocent the seven-year-old girl with the weak stomach. I wished I could erase the memories I had with Cane. I wished that he really was nothing more to me than my dad’s friend.
Why did I have to want him so badly? Why did he have to want me just as much? Why was all of this so fucking complicated? I hadn’t even gone to college yet, but it felt like life had already set me up to fail.
I couldn’t handle the guilt. It was literally eating me alive, to the point that my stomach truly began to ache. I told Dad I didn’t feel well when we got home, and he left me to rest, but resting didn’t happen.