He shot me an incredulous look. I stopped mid-step, waiting for him to lower the boom. I wouldn’t blame him. I had completely disrupted his life. “You’re apologizing to me. Why don’t you kick me next?”
I studied him in confusion. Aggravation I expected, but this was something else. This was self-loathing. “What? I am sorry. I wouldn’t blame you for hating me. I left a mess behind for you to clean up.”
Mom opened her mouth to interject, but Jacob held up a hand to stop her. “No, Mom, I stayed quiet long enough. All of you insisted you knew what was best for Mia, but I tried to tell you guys you were pushing her too hard. Asking too much from her.” Jacob’s voice shook slightly. “Mia, you think I’m mad at you? I’m not mad at you. I’m pissed at everyone else. We pushed you until you broke. I could see it happening and I did nothing to protect you. I failed you again.” His voice broke and I was shocked to see tears in his eyes.
It was unsettling to see my big, strapping brother crying. He was too tough for tears, too emotionally stable for them. “Jacob, you didn’t fail me ever.”
He shook his head vehemently. “I did fail you. I told you I was going inside to get us Popsicles and I never came back. I went up to my room to play with my cars. I was sick of playing house with you and your dumb doll.”
My mouth dropped open over his admission. I had completely forgotten he was outside with me that day. That little stink had promised me a cherry Popsicle. When he didn’t come right back out I thought about going in and hunting him down to demand my frozen treat, but I was having too much fun playing with Daisy.
A giggle escaped my lips before I could hold it back. Mom and Jacob exchanged looks, but again I giggled. They were sure to think I was off my rocker again and needed another dose of meds.
I clapped a hand over my mouth. This was not the time for laughter. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh,” I said as another giggle escaped me. “It’s just that I was so mad that day thinking you ate my Popsicle. I was going to come in and yell at you, but I was having too much fun outside. It wasn’t your fault I was taken. It’s no one’s fault,” I said, including Mom in my statement. “I always played in our front yard. I should have been safe. Little kids aren’t supposed to be taken from the front of their house. It’s no one’s fault,” I repeated. “Judy stole my childhood, but I won’t let her steal the rest of my life.” A huge weight lifted from my shoulders. Dr. Marshall had been trying to get me to this point for a long time. It was all about acceptance and moving on. No more hiding from the truth.
My words lifted the invisible wall Jacob had erected between us. He pulled me in for a bone-crushing hug that threatened to cut off my air supply. This was real.
We spent the next few hours talking about all the taboo subjects we had avoided before. At times Mom cried, other times I cried. Dr. Marshall would have considered it a therapeutic session. It felt good.
When we returned I was shocked to find another visitor waiting to see me. He stood off to the side of the room looking extremely uncomfortable to be surrounded by patients. Jacob and I exchanged a look when we saw him. Mom didn’t look surprised though. “Did you know he was going to be here?” I asked, standing in the doorway.
“He called earlier this week and asked about visiting hours. He wanted to come see you.”
Jacob snorted with derision.
“Despite his faults, he’s still your father,” she chastised Jacob.
“Could have fooled me,” he said, giving me a hug. “I’ll see you next week, Mia.” He turned on his heel and left.
&nbs
p; Mom sighed but didn’t call after him. “I know you’re mad at your father, but give him a chance, okay?” she said as Dad approached. He looked as unsure as I felt.
“Mad at him? I don’t even know him.”
He flinched at my words.
“Blake,” Mom greeted him.
“Tracey,” he said.
“Mia, I’ll see you next week,” Mom said as she hugged me tightly. I clung to her for a moment. I’d missed her more than I realized was possible these past few weeks. I needed her to know that.
Mom squeezed me one last time before leaving. Dad and I watched her go. An awkward silence swelled between us. He hadn’t bothered to see me when I was at home, so what could he have to say now? I shifted my weight, glancing around the room, and spotted Trisha in the corner with her family. Her body language suggested that she was aggravated. Obviously I wasn’t the only one with family issues. We would have to catch up later.
“Mia, do you want to sit?” Dad finally asked, breaking the silence. I pulled my gaze from Trisha. “I thought we should talk.”
I shrugged but followed him to the far side of the room where it was quieter. We sat in the two solitary wing chairs in the corner although the silence once again swelled between us. I scratched at the thin skin of my wrist, waiting for him to speak. My aggravation began to grow. Why was he even here?
“You wanted to talk?” I finally asked sarcastically, anxious for this meeting to be over.
“Your doctor contacted me and suggested it.” He raked a hand through his hair.
So, unless my doctor hadn’t called him he wouldn’t have come. Great. This was a staged performance. “And,” I said, my frustration boiling over.
“Look, Mia. I’m not perfect. I know I’ve made mistakes.”
I snorted much like Jacob had earlier. What Dad said was an understatement. Not because of his absence in my life, but because of his absence in Jacob’s life. He left Mom and Jacob when they needed him most. That was fucked up. Anger filled me as the thoughts took hold.