Her head dropped back to the headrest, and she shut her eyes, exhausted from the sheer thought of her life. She hadn’t prepared her family for her return. They didn’t know this trip home might be a permanent one.
A tear slowly rolled from the corner of her eye as a sense of failure and embarrassment cocooned her. Her thumb rotated the engagement ring on her finger. She couldn’t bring herself to take it off, because she still wasn’t convinced this was the right move.
Her mind snapped into a sharp reprimand. This absolutely was the right decision. She needed to get out of that toxic environment. But she had so much to consider.
When narcissists weren’t being nasty, they were extremely charming, and part of her still loved Lance. Their love was real and passionate and intense. She hadn’t imagined that part.
“You put way more into your family than they ever put into you, Julie. Don’t you think Jo would have stuck around if she was that close to you? I’ll never leave you. I’m your family.”
She thought about the multiple audiobooks on her phone, the ones she’d been secretly listening to over the past few months. When her self-esteem had hit rock bottom, she needed to figure out what was going on with her. Audiobooks seemed the only therapy she could access without drawing unwanted attention from Lance, who she’d determined was a great source of her low moods.
“Do you like this dress?”
“Yeah, it’s sexy. But you gotta watch your figure. Don’t become one of those women who get comfortable and let themselves go. When’s the last time you used the gym?”
Lance’s honesty always felt like something she could trust. She didn’t want a partner who lied. She wanted a friend who trusted their relationship enough to always give her the truth. Whether she had food in her teeth or if she was on the wrong side of a disagreement, she always wanted to know.
“I promise I’ll always be honest with you. That’s what true love is.”
But the problem with constant honesty was that he never let her forget her character flaws. He didn’t focus on them, but he certainly had a way of reminding her they were there, like the way an athlete occasionally stops to check their pulse.
Over time, that steady barrage of honest feedback turned her into a less than honest person. She kept secrets and hid shameful parts of herself to avoid criticism. But he even had a gift for somehow making compliments hurt.
“I’m sure there are better qualified candidates for the job, but you’re pretty. Companies want a good face. Maintain your looks and no one will notice what you lack.”
Lance’s opinions became the highest authority.
“Why would you do that that way? Didn’t anyone ever teach you…”
She wasted hours doubting and second guessing herself, not wanting to screw anything up. Her days passed in a strange confusion. Eventually, she feared making any decisions at all.
Lance had always been so confident and sure of himself. Even when he was wrong, he seemed so convincingly right, it just felt safer to trust him.
He was the success story. He was the obvious decision-maker. Sometimes she wondered why a guy like Lance would ever be with a girl like her.
I’m sorry seemed a regular phrase out of her mouth but rightfully so, as she was always screwing something up. It got to the point where she would do almost anything to avoid any sort of confrontation or failure, even the mildest sort.
The pressure was paralyzing. If she remained completely still and didn’t make any waves, she couldn’t mess up. Her life was passing in neutral. And soon, she lost complete touch with the girl she once was.
The more agreeable she became, the more control Lance assumed. And when she did object, she quickly regretted saying anything at all, as it was just another opening for criticism.
“You’re too sensitive.”
Was she? It sometimes felt like she might be. She was always overthinking and doubting herself.
She’d been seeing a chiropractor and massage therapist for the last month. Because her tension had gotten so bad, she suffered a persistent crick in her neck and chronic headaches.
The light bulb moment came when she read there was no escaping through the entrance when trying to leave a relationship with a gaslighter, because their insidious tampering changed a person’s perception of reality until everything seemed turned around and the victim felt lost.
She was lost. And it killed her to realize that meant she was a victim. But she wasn’t crazy. Deep down she knew this.
He’d done such a thorough job of rewriting her behaviors and thoughts that he rarely had to say anything at all. She’d become an automatically-charged weapon—blaming, doubting, and judging herself for him in his absence. He turned her into her worst critic, so he could remain the shining hero. It was, without a doubt, the greatest mindfuck she’d ever known.