“Then why did you set all this up?”
“Because I want you to be happy.”
It seemed like such an easy thing—happiness. Something made of light and bubbles, but it wasn’t. It was complicated and heavy, like a brick.
“I want you to be happy too.” I did. I didn’t want to hurt him, but if I was being honest with myself, I didn’t want to give him up either.
For all that I wanted it to be about me, it couldn’t just be about me.
“I know.” His voice was strained.
“Then why does this hurt?” I blurted. I should have kept it to myself, let it fester with everything else.
“Because I’m something different than Kieran. Because you’re looking at what he did tonight and you’re thinking I’d never do that to you. And you’re right, I wouldn’t, but I’m not the one you’re in love with. He is.”
I looked back at his closed bedroom door. “I don’t know what I’m feeling.”
“I do. You’re feeling lost and betrayed.”
My gaze wandered down to my hands. “You’re right. I feel so betrayed and I don’t even know what happened.”
“Do you trust Kieran to tell you the truth about what happened?”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s important.” He closed his eyes and sighed. “I keep waiting for you to ask me what I saw, but I don’t think you’re going to. I’m glad.”
“I wouldn’t put you in that position.”
He nodded. “Take care of you, okay?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “You too.”
I watched him leave and I wondered if maybe I’d screwed up. Well, I knew I’d screwed things up, I just wasn’t sure what the fallout would be yet. I never should’ve crossed the line with Kieran. He was something better left as an unrequited fantasy. Then we’d still be friends. All of us would still be friends.
Only, I didn’t miss April.
I didn’t want to be her friend.
It was nice not having her voice in concert with the voice in my head taking little digs at me all the time.
But I still wanted to be Kieran’s friend. I wanted to have that part of him no one else did and I was pretty sure I’d lost it.
Or worse, maybe it had just lost its luster. He wasn’t some sex god to me anymore, neither was he that guy just needing the right woman, that guy who could be fixed. The one I’d warned April that he wasn’t in the beginning.
He was Kieran, the keeper of my heart and he’d twisted it and torn it in half.
The sound of retching echoed from his bathroom and I looked up at the ceiling, half hoping there’d be some kind of cheat sheet with all the answers taped up to the crown molding.
I could leave him there—I should.
But I wouldn’t.
“Pussy,” I muttered to myself.
I braved opening his door and creeping into the bathroom. It stank of rye whiskey and stale smoke, and aftershave. He was on the floor with his head leaned back against the mint green tile on the wall. It was ugly as shit—the wall, not him—even drunk and acting the wrung out bastard, he was still beautiful as sin.
I ran a washcloth under the cool water from the tap and crouched down next to him to sponge his heated forehead.
I was thoroughly disgusted with myself. This was condoning his behavior. It was setting the standard for how he’d treat me. He’d done God knew what with God knew who and I wasn’t screaming, crying, or throwing things. I wasn’t even ignoring him. I was coddling him, petting him and offering him comfort.
I agreed with my earlier assessment of myself: pussy.
His hand closed over mine. “It’s too much,” he mumbled.
“What is?” I eased his hand back down into his lap and continued to administer to him.
“This. You. I wanted to prove to myself and to you that you’d leave.”
“Why?”
He opened his eyes, dark and turbulent—gorgeous in his suffering. “Because anyone I love leaves. I fuck it up.”
I cupped his cheek. “So, you fucked it up on purpose?”
He turned his head away from me, looked at everything but me.
“I see.” I stood, wet the cloth some more and then drew it to the back of his neck and up on his forehead again.
“I wanted to prove to myself that I could survive it.”
“I was with you until that part, slugger.” My voice was a whisper. “You can survive anything.”
His fingers circled my wrist. “Not losing you. I can’t.” His exhale deflated him. “I don’t want to.”
“So what did you do, Kieran?”
He didn’t speak.
“You told me you were going to take that client. If all you did was what you said you were going to do, I can’t fault you for that.”