I’d just had the time of my life, but I wasn’t sure if the emotional fallout was worth it.
11
Alone with Kieran, I suddenly didn’t know how to act. This had been a one-off. We were still friends, but… right? I’d fucked Finn McCool, not Kieran.
Only earlier, he’d said they were one and the same.
Feeling uncomfortable and unsure, I needed a shower. Not only for emotional distance, but I was sticky everywhere.
I started to get up, but Kieran grabbed my hand.
“Don’t run away from me now.”
That’s what I was doing, running. That’s what I always did. It was safer.
“I just need a shower.”
“I’ll come with you.”
“I don’t think I’ll get very clean.”
“We’ll get clean and then dirty again.” Kieran pinned me on my back with one swift motion. “Or dirtier first.”
I didn’t have a chance to answer because my legs hooked around his waist and even though I felt rode hard and put away wet, I still arched up to meet him.
This time was different. This time, he touched my face like it was something precious to him. I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d done this to April.
Fucking fuck fucker. Why couldn’t I just have this moment without thinking about her? Or what Kieran had done with her? What did it matter? He was here with me now. Not her. I won. I had what I wanted.
I looked into Kieran’s eyes and held his gaze through every thrust and this time, it was kind of like how I imagined it would be. How I wanted it to be.
“I love you.” His voice was a jagged whisper, almost like the confession was painful for him, razorblades on his tongue. He buried his face in my neck and I knew I was making love to Kieran Holt, not fucking Finn McCool.
This was what was mine. “I love you, too. I always have.”
He groaned against me, the words seeming to elicit something more in him than just the rhythmic thrusts of our lovemaking. His embrace tightened and in that moment, I had everything I ever wanted.
Except I felt like I’d betrayed Brant. His place in the bed next to us was still warm and the look on his face… when he said he’d call me, it seemed like a final goodbye.
But that didn’t make any sense. He’d set this up.
The same way Kieran had pushed me to go out with Brant.
I wasn’t in love with Brant. I was in love with Kieran.
So why did this feel suddenly wrong?
“Hey, come back to me,” Keiran said against my ear.
“I’m here.” I dug my nails into his shoulders, inhaled the familiar scent of him and focused on just how it felt to be there with him.
“Say you’re mine, Claire.”
“I’m yours. Always.”
He shuddered against me, spent. Kieran rested his head on my breast and I held him there for a long time. I knew if I moved, it would shatter the idyll. I’d have to start thinking about all the stuff I’d put on hold to have this experience.
I’d have to think about what it meant if he loved me.
He’d said it, but I realized I didn’t believe him. If he loved me, if he wanted me, why hadn’t he said something?
The same reason I hadn’t?
No. He’s only here because he thought he was going to lose you to Brant. He doesn’t want you, but he needs you.
My phone buzzed and thinking it was Brant, I stretched to reach it, but I dropped it.
“Fuck ‘em. Whoever it is, they can fuck off,” Kieran grumbled.
“It might be important.”
“More important than what I’m about to do to you? Again?” He pounced on me when I squirmed away from him, but I shimmied to reach the phone on the floor and picked it up.
“Hello?”
“Claire?” It was April and I’d never heard her sound so… fragile.
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“My dick,” Keiran answered and tried to wrestle the phone away from me.
“Stop it. Come on. It’s April.” I pushed at his shoulders and he froze.
“Is he…” April began, but didn’t finish her statement. Silence reigned for a moment that seemed to last forever.
I knew what she was asking and the mean girl in me was more than happy to tell her that I had what she wanted. Not because I wanted to hurt her, but because she always got everything. And for once, I got something she wanted. For once, I was good enough.
For once, it was about me.
“Yeah.” There was so much in that one word. It was a knife, it was a balm, it was the culmination of all my doubts, and all of hers. I changed everything with that word.
Apparently, Kieran thought so too. His face had gone ashen.
Maybe he really did want her instead.
“I can’t talk,” April choked and hung up the phone.