She paused near the hearth, but did not turn to face him. ‘No. Just you.’
Kellaras hesitated, and then returned to the window. ‘It is just the season,’ he said.
‘Sir?’
‘Gripp Galas. He has led a busy life. He’s not used to having little to do. But the season wears on all of us.’
‘I’m sure,’ she muttered, leaving Kellaras to wonder what she had meant by that, given that her tone was utterly devoid of sympathy. Then she swung to face him. ‘It’s time. Will you require my attentions in the bath?’
‘Not necessary, but I would welcome them.’
At last, something enlivened her gaze, and she was deliberate as she assayed the man before her. ‘Aye,’ she said, ‘it’s the season. Follow me, then.’
They set out, and Pelk led him straight down the corridor rather than returning the way Gripp and Kellaras had first come. Reaching a narrow passage of stairs, lit only by a lantern with a wick burned down to a bare nub, they descended to a servants’ run that extended parallel to the back wall. Here the dust was thick underfoot, undisturbed except for their own steps. Every ten or so paces, there was a small door on the left side. Only one, two-thirds of the way down, revealed thin slivers of light from the room beyond.
They continued on until reaching the end, where a heavy door upon the right opened out into the back courtyard of the house. Pelk led him alongside the outer wall to the corner, and then round to halfway up the side of the house, where another door awaited them. Here, she produced a key and fought for a time with the lock, before managing to push the door open. A cloud of steam billowed out past her.
‘Quickly now,’ she said, beckoning him inside, and then closing the door behind him.
A half-dozen lanterns had been lit. An iron tub dominated the centre of the room, while off to one side was a huge hearth over which sat a grille. A cauldron steamed above the glowing embers, sweat trickling down its flared sides to hiss in the flames below.
‘Strip down, then,’ Pelk said, collecting up a bucket to dip into the cauldron.
Kellaras found pegs to take his clothes, close enough to the hearth to warm them while he bathed. Behind him, he heard water splashing into the tub. He sat on a chair to pull off his mud-crusted boots. There were sensations in the world, in the life’s span, that could only be treasured, and surely one was the anticipation of blessed warmth, after days of chill and damp. It occurred to him, alas, how quickly the memory of such times drifted away, amidst the crush of immediate necessities that seemed so eager to impose themselves. The mind had a way of leaping from comfort into unease, with far greater alacrity than the other way round.
Musing on these disquieting notions, he pulled off the last boot, and then the filthy gauze strappings that padded and insulated his foot, and stood once more, naked. Turning, he saw Pelk standing beside the tub, similarly disrobed.
She had a soldier’s build, barely softened by age or inactivity. There was a faint roll of fat encircling her belly, just above the hips, and protruding slightly at the front. Her breasts were full but not disproportionately so. Beneath the left one there was an old scar, a finger’s length, stitching a line between her ribs. Kellaras stared at it. ‘Abyss take me, Pelk, that looks right above the heart. How you survived—’
‘I ask myself that often enough,’ she interrupted, a harshness coming to her tone. ‘A cutter told me my heart’s in the wrong place. If it’d been in the right place, I’d have died before I hit the ground. Now, as you can see, the tub’s too big for me to be standing outside it and scrubbing your back – not without putting a vile ache in my spine. So, we get in together.’
‘Ah, yes, of course.’
‘There’re advantages,’ she said.
‘Excuse me?’
‘My heart being in the wrong place. Makes it hard to find, and I prefer it that way. If you understand me.’
He was not sure that he did, but he nodded anyway.
Man or woman, few could claim a life lived without regrets. As a child Kellaras had listened, eager as any boy wearing a wooden sword, to tales of great heroes, all of whom – he saw now – strode through a miasma of violence, stern-faced and righteous. The virtues set forth, step by step, were of the basest sort, and vengeance was the answer to everything. It slashed, it carved, it marched monstrously through a welter of blood. The hero killed for love lost, for love denied, for love misunderstood. The delivery of pain to others, in answer to a pain within – a soul wounded and lashing out – ran like a dark current through every tale.
Still, through it all, the hero remained resolute, or so Kellaras saw it, when looking through his child eyes. As if some aspect of intransigence had made of itself the purest virtue. For such a figure, the notion of feeling – feeling anything but cold satisfaction – in the midst of terrible deeds, and seemingly endless murder, was anathema.
Few heroes wept, unless the tale was a rarity: one tangled in tragedy, and those stories fought a losing battle against the pathological mayhem of the grand heroes, for whom the world of legend was home, and every victim, deserving or not, served as nothing more than a grand staircase of bones leading to the hero’s own exaltation.
A child with a wooden sword could find in such tales an outlet for every injustice and outrage perpetrated upon him, or her. This was not so surprising, given the secret concord between immaturity and cold malice. It was only decades later that Kellaras began to comprehend every hero’s childlike thoughts, that bridling rage, that hunger for revenge, and see for himself what they appeased in so many of his companions. Pure vengeance was nostalgic. It winged back like the voice of a god into childhood, home to the first betrayals and injustices, the first instances of blind fury and impotence, and it spoke of restitution in chilling tones.
Witnessing a tale of heroes, told, written or sung, was like a whispered promise. The betrayers must die, cut down by an implacable iron blade swung by an implacable iron hand. And though betrayal could be found in many guises, including mere indifference, or disregard, or impatience, or a treat denied the grasping hand and its unreasoning demand, yet the incipient storm of violence must be vast. There are times in a child’s life when he or she would happily kill every adult in sight, and this then was the hero’s secret, and the true meaning of his tale of triumph: what I hold inside is the master of all that I survey. Against all that the world flings at me, I shall prevail. In my mind, I never stumble, stagger, or fall. In my mind, I am supreme, and by this sword, I deliver the truth of that, blow upon blow.
Inside me is the thing that would kill you all.
Such a world was not one where feelings counted for much. Indeed, they could be deemed enemies to purpose and desire, to need and the pure pleasure of satisfying that need. The heroes, oh, my heroes of childhood, in their shining, blood-spattered worlds of legend – they were, on
e and all, insane.
Kellaras had stood in a line, had faced an enemy. He had seen the ruinous disorder of battle. He had witnessed breathtaking deeds of heroic self-sacrifice, tragedies played out before his eyes, and nowhere in such recollections could he find a hero of legend. Because true wars are fought amidst feelings. Be they fear or dread, pity or mercy. And each act, driven by answering hatred and spite, explodes in the mind with horrified wonder. At the self, brought so low. At the other, whose eyes match one’s own.