It was only now, standing in front of Matt, that I realized.
The elephant had been conditioned to expect pain if it stepped out of line. It was the fear of hurt that stopped it from trying to flee.
The elephant’s pain was physical. The pain Matt inflicted on me over the years was mental. But both the elephant and I had been cowed.
Diminished.
We’d both had our power taken away.
And standing in front of him, I could still feel the pull of the chain, the rub of his ire, and I wasn’t sure if I had the strength left to charge over him and free myself.
“Karen wanted to be nice. I told her you’d pull a stunt like this. You’re completely oblivious to reality, Stella.”
I didn’t know what to say. This was a man I loved for seven years. A man I’d trusted, thought I’d have a family with, yet he looked at me with a mixture of contempt, anger, and irritation as if we were almost strangers. “You invited me,” I repeated. I could hardly tell him it was the last place I wanted to be.
“What did you expect when you came up here? That I’d change my mind? You should have realized years ago that we were only a temporary thing. I never proposed, Stella. I thought you’d take the hint. Things were hardly good between us, but you seemed to carry on regardless, not reading the signs, thinking we were going to be together forever. I thought moving to London would finally put an end to things. But you went ahead and followed me. Christ—wake up.”
I was a deer stuck in the headlights. Okay, Matt didn’t love me. Okay, Matt was marrying my best friend—but he was trying to say it was all my fault. I felt myself weakening under the cold determination in his stare. He was determined to hurt me. Determined to break me. Matt acted as if he’d cut the chain from my ankle years ago and had been trying to shoo me away ever since. Had I been so naïve? When he’d told me about the job in London, it had been a shock, but he’d never said anything about splitting up. Just that it wasn’t an opportunity he could turn down. He never suggested going on his own. Up until the night he told me he was moving out, I’d never had any indication things weren’t working. But maybe they’d never been good from his perspective. He had me questioning everything.
Had I missed him trying to end things? Clearly, I’d been working toward a shared future he didn’t want, but why hadn’t he just said he didn’t love me anymore? Why hadn’t he left sooner? And if he hadn’t wanted me to move to London with him, he should have just told me.
“This isn’t my fault,” I said. I felt pathetic that I couldn’t put together a more coherent defense to his accusations.
He sighed, rolling his eyes. “You only ever see what you want to see. You’ve always been the same—it’s like you have some kind of tunnel vision and you only see the Stella version of reality. No doubt you’ve done it with this new guy too.” He nodded toward the window where Beck was sitting with Henry.
Perhaps I had missed signs with Matt. Maybe I should have pushed him more about our future, but I loved him and I thought that he loved me. It didn’t occur to me not to trust him with my heart.
It wouldn’t happen again. My heart wouldn’t ever be given away so easily. Despite what Matt thought, in future I wouldn’t assume someone’s feelings matched mine. I wouldn’t expect people to be honest, and straightforward, and loyal. I was done being the woman that men took advantage of.
I’d learned my lesson, and I wouldn’t repeat the same mistakes again.
Twenty-Nine
Beck
Thank God for Stella. I couldn’t have handled the endless lunches, drinks, and dinners or inane small talk if it wasn’t for her. But today I needed to nail down Henry, get him to agree in principle to a sale of the Dawnay building, and it would have all been worth it. I wasn’t leaving Scotland without that victory, and I had work to do. I was running out of time.
I glanced over at Stella at the bar. There was so much riding on this conversation. But when she looked at me, I didn’t doubt myself for a second. I wanted this. Of course I did, but I also wanted this for her—so she could do the design, get her business back on track, and move on from her idiot ex. She might have needed this win even more than I did.
I headed over toward Henry and the large picture window that overlooked the loch and the mountains behind it. The landscape matched the colors of the shop we’d visited the other day. Browns, heathers, and greens. I’d never taken much notice of the landscape when the boys and I had come up when we were teenagers. Yeah, we liked the views, but we’d been focused on the goal of getting to the top of the mountain, the end of the trail, and our gold award. I wasn’t sure I’d appreciated everything that got me to that point.
“Henry,” I said as he turned away from the window. “You taking in this fantastic view?”
“I certainly am. I’ve been coming up here most of my life, but it still holds my attention.”
“I was eighteen on my first trip up here. Before I’d started my first business, before I knew what I was going to do with my life. But nothing’s changed.”
“And we can take comfort in that.”
Though I’d rather chat to Henry than most of the other people here, I didn’t want to just make small talk with him. “I’ve put together a pack of papers to send you on email if you have an address,” I said. I pulled out my phone as Henry relayed his address to me and I typed it in. I’d made sure that the lawyers had everything ready, so if Henry was so minded, he could sign everything and get the deal done right away.
Not that I was expecting him to do that. I just didn’t want there to be any reason from my end why the deal wasn’t signature ready.
“Okay, I’ve sent that across to you,” I said, tucking the phone back in my pocket.
“I’ll take a look. But give me a little background, why do you want the property?” Henry asked.
I tried to swallow down the lump that formed in my throat that appeared every time I thought about my mother and the way she was treated. “I think I mentioned that I own others in the block. I want to make it the premier residential site in Mayfair.”