She shook her head, tears flowing freely now. “That’s why I can’t get up and do those speeches my dad always wants me to do. Why I can’t stop seeing Trevor everywhere. Why you should run away from me far and fast.” She looked at him. “Because I’m not a Long Acre survivor. I was an instigator. I was a linchpin. If I hadn’t…”
Wes watched her crumble, her hurt ripping him in two. “Oh, baby. No, that’s not…”
But she wasn’t listening. She’d begun to sob, her shoulders shaking, so he gathered her into his arms and hugged her, letting her cry against his shoulder. He rubbed her back and pressed his lips to the crown of her head and held her, his mind lost in a spin.
Wes had his own experiences with guilt, but how the hell could any one person hold on to something this heavy for all this time and not completely lose it? Rebecca was carrying around the responsibility for so many people’s deaths, for a national tragedy.
Most people wouldn’t have given it another thought if they’d done what she’d done. She’d acted like a s
notty teenager in a weak moment. Who hadn’t? But of course Rebecca hadn’t forgiven her sixteen-year-old immaturity. She’d been raised to be perfect, to always do the right thing. Her father didn’t believe in second chances. She’d made one mistake and believed she’d lit the fuse to the bomb.
“I’m sorry I pretended to be someone else,” she said into his shirt. “I’m not who you think I am. I’m a horrible person. And soon everyone else is going to know it, too.”
“Hush,” he said, smoothing her hair. “You think this changes who I think you are?”
“Of course it does.”
He shifted and tipped her face up to him, but she wouldn’t look at him. “You’re not a horrible person. A horrible person wouldn’t have given that incident a second thought, would’ve never entertained any blame.”
Tears sparkled on her lashes. “Wes, what I did…”
“Was what a million other teenagers do every day,” he finished. “They turn down dates. They get rejected. They get embarrassed. They try to save face in front of friends. They get crushes. They get their hearts broken. They tease and get teased. They sometimes make bad decisions because they’re young and inexperienced. Because they’re kids. They get scared out of their minds because life is overwhelming and weird and hard to figure out when you’re so new at it.” He wiped away one of her tears with his knuckle.
“If you want to play the blame game, where would it end? How about placing blame on your dad for putting so much pressure on you to be perfect and helping create the depression that sent you to that group? Or how about your mom for leaving? Or your crush for not dating you? Because then no Trevor kiss would’ve happened. Or what about the guy who sold the liquor to Trevor and helped start what happened at the lake? Or the group counselor for being ineffective? Or Trevor’s and the other shooter’s parents for not knowing their kids had access to guns? Or whoever provided guns to those kids in the first place?”
She stared at him, eyes bloodshot.
“You’re a lawyer,” he said. “You know how a story can be twisted to make anyone look like the villain. Look at what Steven’s facing right now. We know he’s not a bad person because we know the background and we know he’s young. So were you. You were one very small piece in a tapestry of Trevor’s life. In that one moment, you didn’t create a murderer, Bec. Trevor was deeply troubled to do what he did. There were a million points in his life that coalesced to create that tragic night. He, ultimately, made that decision. He made a plan with the other kid. He killed people in cold blood. That is not your fault. You can’t hold on to that blame. It’s not yours to carry around.”
Tears dripped onto the pillow, and she looked down.
“Rebecca,” he said, reaching out to cup her face. “You are the most big-hearted person I’ve ever met. You bought me my dream when I’d lost it. You gave a group of kids who have next to nothing an amazing opportunity to do something great. You gave a kid who mugged you at gunpoint a second chance because you believed in him. Who else would do that? You are…a spectacular, loving, beautiful human being. Hell,” he said, “you made a guy who’d sworn off relationships forever fall head over heels for you. If that isn’t working miracles, I don’t know what is.”
Rebecca closed her eyes.
“You see, Bec, you’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t pretend to be someone else around me. You gave me the best gift. You let yourself be who you really are with me. Underneath all this hurt and trauma, all the pressure and expectations, this is you. I got to meet that girl, and I’m so damn lucky for it.”
She opened her eyes and stared at him, something tender and fragile moving across her features. Something he’d been longing to see. A sliver of hope. A crack in the door.
He cleared his throat. “Frankly, what’s unfair is that you showed me who you are and then expected me not to fall for you. Really, it was an impossible bar to set for me. I have an addictive personality, you know.”
A tiny smile peeked out at that, a little twitch of the lips. “I’ve heard that rumor about you.”
“I’ve also been told I’m cute. And smart. And highly insightful. You should listen to me.”
“You are.” She reached for his hand and let out a long sigh, laying her head against his shoulder. “You may also be impossible not to love back.”
The words were simple and to the point, but they cut right through him and stole his air for a moment. “Hold up, you love me back?”
She lifted her head from his shoulder and gave him a well, duh look. “I’m a complete mess over you, Wes. That’s not the point.”
His chest filled with something big and powerful, a hot, sweet rush. “Oh, no, I think that’s a big damn point, lawyer girl. In fact, I think that is the point of all the points. It’s like the Grand Master of points. Like the point all the other points aspire to be.”
“Wes, you’re not getting it,” she said, some fire coming back into her tone. “Why the hell would you want to be with me after everything I’ve just told you? After everything you’ve seen? I’m a disaster right now. I’m in therapy for panic attacks and flashbacks. I’m about to lose my job because there’s no way I’m dropping Steven’s case, and my dad’s going to go to the press. My life is about to explode.”
He shifted so he could face her fully and put his hand on her shoulder. “Bec, you’re the one who’s not getting it. I want to be with you because you’re the woman who’s going to let her life explode to help a kid who needs it. And you’re not a mess. You’re a human who’s been through some tough shit. We both have things we’re working on. I’m not exactly without my own baggage. I will always be a recovering alcoholic. I’m rebuilding my life because I did lose my job and a lot of other things. I don’t want to be with you because I want some neat and perfect life, lawyer girl. I just want you. All the parts of you—scars, life explosions, misguided love of boxed macaroni and cheese… I’m all in.”
“You…” Rebecca stared at him for a long moment, a confused expression on her face, and then fresh tears slipped down her cheeks. The fight seemed to go out of her, and she touched her forehead to his. “Wes.”