She couldn’t imagine the amount of self-control that had taken. She wasn’t sure she would’ve been able to do the same had she gone through what he had.
But she hated that it’d sent him into shutdown mode. She reached for his hand and threaded her fingers with his. He gave a little squeeze back, proving that he wasn’t asleep, but didn’t open his eyes.
“Only about an hour before we get there,” she said softly.
“Good, I’m ready to be as far from Atlanta as possible.”
“You and me both.” She glanced out the window at the inky blackness. “Dallas almost doesn’t seem far enough.”
He gave her hand another squeeze. “I know what you mean.”
She rubbed her thumb over his ring finger back and forth, back and forth, thinking. “Maybe we should keep going further then.”
He cracked his eyes open and peeked at her, the sadness that had been sitting heavy there earlier still glimmering in the blue depths. “What are you talking about?”
She shrugged. “I heard Vegas is nice this time of year.”
That got him fully awake. He sat up straighter and turned toward her. “Have a hankering to gamble?”
She rubbed her lips together, considering him. He looked so much like the boy he used to be at times—sleepy-eyed, mussed hair, vaguely wary look on his face. “Yeah, I think I do. I’ve never been good at taking risks. Maybe it’s a good place to get over that. What do you think?”
He sighed and stared down at their joined hands. The weight of everything left unsaid about the night before, about what really happened in high school, about the darkness that had chased the both of them through the years—all of it infiltrated the cabin, piling in and filling all the spaces with the heavy baggage they’d gathered over the years.
When Kade finally spoke, his voice was unbearably quiet. “I’m so sorry about how I acted last night, Tess. How I . . . lost it. I thought I’d shown you my ugly parts, but even I didn’t know that side of me was in there. Being near him again brought all that shit up, and I was there in the woods again, seeing it all again, feeling every kick, every broken bone. All logic went out of my head. I wanted to make him suffer. I wanted to humiliate him and tear away every thread of pride he had. Destroy him. I needed him to feel what he made me feel that night.”
“Kade . . .” she said, her heart breaking at the anguish in his voice, the disgust with himself.
“Maybe I’m not as different from him as I thought I was. I could’ve killed him and not felt bad about it. Part of me wishes I would’ve. And I don’t know what to do with that.”
“Hey, look at me,” she said, her voice firm. He lifted his gaze to hers, all the pain shining there. “Don’t ever say stupid shit like that again. You’re as far from someone like him as anyone can be. You may have wanted to kill him, may still want to, but you didn’t and you won’t. You had the chance twice, and you didn’t hurt him. Your reaction was human. The things he did to you left scars that you may have moved past but are always going to be there on some level.”
“I just hate that it’s still there at all. I thought I’d exorcised it all. I never wanted you to see that side of me. I know I scared you.”
She shook her head. “I was scared that I’d lose you if you did something to him. That’s where my fear was. And you don’t have to pretend that those things never happened to you. That stuff fades but doesn’t disappear. We just learn how to deal with it better. It’s why any time you mention the word relationship I get a fat dose of panic rushing through me. No matter how much I try to convince myself that I’m not that insecure foster kid anymore, part of me will always expect people to let me down and leave.”
He reached out and pushed her hair behind her ear. “Then why do you want to go
to Vegas?”
“Because I love poker, duh.”
He laughed, and the rich sound was so welcome after the last forty-eight hours that she nearly climbed into his seat with him to absorb it fully.
“I want to go because, just like you, I’m tired of all that stuff from the past holding me hostage. The times I’ve spent with you since that night in the restaurant have been the most exciting and happiest I’ve ever had. Yes, you’re intense and dominant, and I know I still have a lot to understand about that. I will warn you now that if your idea of submission is having some kept woman who sits around the house and waits for you to come home, that isn’t going to fly for me. I will never be a housewife. I suck at it. And I don’t care how adorable and sexy you are, how convincing you can be when you get that badass dom look on your face, or how madly in love with you I am, that’s not going to change.”
He gave her a roguish smile filled with that trademark confidence that had been absent in Atlanta, and her belly did a flutter. “Madly in love, huh?”
“Yes. Madly. Deal with it.”
“I kind of want to hear you say that over and over again. Possibly while I’m deep inside you.”
A pulse of desire heated her from the center outward. But she was not to be distracted from her demands.
“I want to keep going to school. I want a career. I need to stand on my own two feet in the world. I won’t be anyone’s trophy again.”
He lifted an eyebrow, his expression amused. “Is that all Mistress McAllen?”
“Well, I do agree that you can have your wicked way with me when I’m not working or in school. I mean, I do have to concede some things. Plus, you’re so very good at that part.”