Tori seems to sense my indecision, so she spends the rest of dinner giving me the hard sell for quitting. I have to admit, what she says makes sense—if I don’t look too closely at my future. Once I do … all the arguments seem to fall away.
Well, all the ones that have nothing to do with my mental health, at least.
Hours later, I’m still thinking about it. To be honest, for the rest of the day and most of the night, I do nothing but think about it. God knows, just the idea of going into work tomorrow and having to see Ethan makes me physically ill. I can’t imagine how awful it will be to sit in a meeting with him about the Trifecta merger we’ve been working on. Or how much I’ll hate running into him in the halls or the cafeteria. Or, God forbid, what it will feel like if he seeks me out. Or worse, calls me into his office.
I won’t be able to handle it. I know I won’t be able to. Not when everything inside me is scraped raw and I can’t so much as breathe without bleeding.
But at the same time, I can’t just skulk away with my tail between my legs. This isn’t my fault. None of this—bar falling for my employer—is my fault, and I refuse to act like it is.
I ran away and hid once, because my parents forced me to and I swore then that I’d never do it again. While this situation is different than that one, it feels eerily similar. Considering how well it worked out the first time, I can’t believe I’m seriously considering running away—hiding—ever again.
No. I’ve worked too long and too hard to get where I am to just throw it all away because of a past that I buried a long time ago. A past I have no control over.
Which is why, after a sleepless night—when I finally watch the beginnings of dawn wind its tendrils of lavender and gold above the endless Pacific—I am shaky but resolved. I am going in to work today and I am going to do my job. If Ethan seeks me out or tries to talk to me, I’ll find a way to deal with him. And if he fires me … well, then, he fires me. But at least I won’t be the one giving up on all my hard work, giving up on the future, and the security, I want so badly I can taste it. Besides, it will just give me another reason to hate him …
“You know you don’t have to do this,” Tori tells me as I walk out of my bedroom dressed in my one and only designer suit. In the grand scheme of things, it isn’t much, but it’s the only armor I’ve got and at this point, I’ll take whatever I can get.
“I don’t have to do anything,” I tell her as I walk into the kitchen, carefully skirting the crack I caused in one of the floor tiles with the falling blender. “But I’m going to do this.”
She sighs heavily, like my stubbornness is personally offensive to her. Then again, it probably is.
“By the way,” she tells me as I stand in the kitchen, wondering what I’m supposed to do now. “Your brother called again last night. He said it was urgent.”
“He always says it’s urgent.”
“He does. But this is the fifth time he’s called in the last five days. Maybe it really is urgent this time.”
“Maybe.” But just the thought of talking to him, of hearing about my parents and the company they built with his inventions and the money they got for selling me out, makes me crazy. And since this week is already filled with more than enough crazy, I think it might be best to just let this one slide for a little longer.
Not forever, I promise myself. Just long enough for me to get my shit together again. However long that might take.
&
nbsp; In a bid to do just that, I start to pour myself a glass of orange juice, but my stomach is churning so badly that I figure adding anything acidic to it probably won’t end well. Instead I settle for a small glass of water and a prayer that I’ll be able to keep it down.
“Are you sure you don’t mind running me in to work today?” I ask as I sip cautiously at the water. “I’m ready early enough that I can still take the bus.”
Tori snorts. “Like I’m going to let that happen. I’ll drive you to work all week if you need me to.”
“I’m hoping that won’t be necessary.” I didn’t deal with my car yesterday because I just couldn’t, not on top of everything else that happened. But it’s not like I can leave it parked in Ethan’s driveway forever. “I’ll call for a tow truck to pick it up at Ethan’s today while he’s at work—his housekeeper is there all day today, so if I call and warn her, I’m sure she’ll open the gate so they can tow it back here.
“I’ll stop by the auto parts store after work today and then I can put in the new starter when I get home. It shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours.”
Tori rolls her eyes. “You know, there are mechanics who can do that for you.”
“Yes, well, mechanics cost money that I can’t afford to waste—especially not if I keep this internship instead of getting a paying job—”
“Another brilliant idea, if I do say so myself,” Tori interjects.
I ignore her, pretend I don’t hear the doubt in her voice. It’s hard though, considering it’s the same doubt that’s been riding me hard from the second I made up my mind. “Besides,” I continue, like my mental health and my stomach lining aren’t dependent on how well the rest of today goes, “I’ve been working on cars since I was in elementary school. My brother used to take them apart just to see how they worked and then I’d help him put them back together again. I can put in a new starter in my sleep.”
“I should probably be impressed by that.”
“But you aren’t.”
“Not even a little bit.” After downing her coffee, Tori reaches for the oversized Louis Vuitton bag she carries everywhere. “Ready to go?”
“Not even a little bit,” I echo. But the longer I put it off, the harder it will be to do, so I grab my briefcase and head for the door.