But in every other way, she felt crushed by the ruthless side of Zy he’d shown her tonight.
Would he ever forgive her?
As soon as they entered the house, the men went into crisis-management mode. Huddled in one of the kitchen chairs, she shivered in the morning chill until Zy pulled her onto his lap and against his big, furnace-warm body. In the past, she would have taken his comfort happily. She would have basked in his affection, feeling so safe in his arms.
Not anymore. The rage he’d directed at Tessa chilled her to the bone. She felt chastened and ashamed of what she’d done. She’d made every decision by following her motherly instinct to put her baby first. She’d hated that that meant sacrificing Zy. Obviously, he did, too. She didn’t want him warming her now out of pity.
Tessa wriggled away from him. “Mind if I take a hot shower, Trees?”
“Feel free. Down the hall, first door on the left. Towels are in the cabinet.”
“Thanks.”
Zy stood. “Do you need—”
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.” She didn’t want him feeling obligated to do anything except help rescue Hallie.
Tessa escaped to the bathroom, closing the door with a shaky sigh as she fought tears. It was warm and quiet here. She could get herself together. If they were going to save Hallie, she needed to gather her fortitude. She might need it as a shield against Zy’s wrath.
A few minutes later, she was still seeking calm in the shower when he knocked. “Baby? I asked Trees to meet Madison somewhere between here and town so you’ll have a change of clothes. Anything in particular you want?”
She was grateful he’d thought of that. “Just something warm. Thank you.”
“Sure.”
Tessa heard his footsteps retreat, then the two men exchanged a few unintelligible words. A door shut. Quiet descended.
The rhythmic pelting of the shower spray on her back should have soothed Tessa. But reality kept its stranglehold on her. Another day had dawned without her baby. The man she’d given her heart to now thought of her as the enemy. The fact she’d only given away company secrets under the worst sort of duress didn’t matter. Until now, Zy hadn’t known why she’d done it, and when he’d discovered her deceit, he must have been shocked, baffled, and hurt. Horrified and angry, even. He obviously felt betrayed.
His viciousness when he’d lashed back had cut her to the quick.
Maybe she’d made a mistake in not telling him about Hallie’s abduction sooner, but her misstep had been borne out of fear. He’d responded by funneling his anger into contempt and done his absolute best to punish her with his words and his body.
It’s the last fucking time I’m going to touch you.
Shut up and fuck. That’s all we have left.
I never expected you to look me in the face and smile while you stabbed me in the back.
You destroyed us both, and now you have to live with it.
Yes, he’d been less combative once he’d learned about Hallie’s plight. But she got the message loud and clear.
They were done.
I expected you to love me someday. I expected you to be my goddamn wife, let me be a father to Hallie, and to let me give you more children so we could spend fifty fucking years together.
Tessa closed her eyes against more tears. She had been hoping for that, too. But she didn’t see how he could ever forgive her. And they would probably never come back from all the damage they’d sustained tonight.
She turned off the hot spray and stepped out of the shower. Her body felt closer to human. The rest of her? A terrible jumble of anxiety, hurt, guilt, regret, and despair.
God, she’d give anything to hold her daughter again, kiss Hallie’s downy head and hear her baby laugh. It nearly killed her to think she’d probably never do that again. After all, how could she possibly locate EM Security’s mole in less than a day when he and the bosses—professionals—had already been searching for months without an answer? The obvious response terrified her.
She couldn’t.
Tessa nearly broke down again.
Through sheer will, she forced herself to towel off as Zy knocked. “I have a clean blanket if you want to wrap up in something before Trees returns with your clothes.”
Not her first choice, but if she didn’t cover herself… Well, she’d experienced the outcome of that scenario less than an hour ago. Her battered heart might need a break from Zy, but her traitorous body craved the man. As good as she felt when he was inside her, he didn’t want her anymore except sexually. She couldn’t settle for just part of him, and it wasn’t smart to fall more in love with him just as he was falling out.
With her towel wrapped securely in place, she opened the door a crack and took the blanket. “Thanks.”