We make for the kitchen and take the pictures that he needs. Marian and I stand outside at the entrance. I drape an arm around her and smile at the camera.
“You’re not yourself,” Marian whispers to me.
“What do you mean?” I have no intentions of having that discussion here. I’m not even sure that I’m going to. The beginning of a plan is beginning to form in my mind. My pride is at stake here. This marriage has stripped me of all the things that protected me from the kind of pain I’m feeling now.
The one thing that I cannot show Marian is how badly she has hurt me. Now I know that she wants out of this marriage, I’ll go along with it and find a way to show her that it’s a mutual decision. I smile down at her as if everything is fine. She looks momentarily confused, and an almost hurt look comes over her features. I know it’s not real. She would rather be in Arlen with that ex-husband of hers.
“A few more with friends and family,” the photographer says.
“Sure,” I say and shepherd Marian back in.
We take the necessary pictures and later, after the customers and the media have left and it’s just family, friends, and the staff, we bring out the wine. We’re closing early today and will start a proper schedule the following day.
“I’m so happy for you,” Marian tells me when we find ourselves standing alone.
“Thank you,” I tell her. I steer clear of the wine as I intend to drive home to Santa Monica. The days of playing house with Marian are over. It’s time to get back to real life.
People start trickling out at nine, and by ten, everyone’s gone. Marian, the manager, and I are the last to leave. Marian and I go to the parking lot at the back.
“Who will follow who?” she says.
“Oh, I’m not coming to Pine Place,” I tell her. “I’m going home to Santa Monica.”
“What? Why? It’s late; what’s the emergency?”
I shrug. “I guess I just want to be home.”
“Oh,” she says and looks away.
My instincts are to wrap my arms around her and hold her close, but I remind myself that I’m not what Marian wants. The best thing I can do is to set her free.
“Drive safely,” I tell her.
She gets in her car, rolls down her window, and looks as if she wants to say something, but she doesn’t.
“Drive safely, too,” she says.
I watch her drive off. It’s a good thing that I’m alone because my eyes are wet.
Chapter 39
Marian
It’s been a week, and Declan has not come home. When we speak on the phone, he’s cordial and polite, but he leaves no doubt as to how he feels about me. I’ve tried asking him by text and in calls if I’ve done something wrong, and he says no.
I’ve gone over everything, and the conclusion that I’ve drawn is that he’s finished with us. His new restaurant is up and running. He doesn’t need me or our marriage anymore. What I don’t understand is why he came up with the idea of us trying to make it real. Or why he looked at me and spoke to me as if he loved me. I keep seeing his face telling me that he loves me. It seemed so real. How could he have acted all that out and for what?
I hate nights now. My house and my bed are too big. I’ve even gone as far as sleeping in Declan’s bed just to smell him. Bad idea. I cried the whole night. Brooke and I have dissected the whole thing, and she doesn’t understand it either.
It doesn’t help that I’ve taken to feeling nauseous and throwing up in the morning. I’m not foolish enough to think that I might be pregnant this time. I know it’s because of my worries over Declan.
I make a one-day visit to Arlen to finalize the wedding arrangements with my mom and Josh. The good thing is that there’s no bridal party to speak of, and the ceremony and wedding reception will be in one location, the Resort.
Nausea and general malaise are getting worse, and in the second week, I make an appointment at the clinic. Everything in me is screaming that I’m pregnant, but this time, I don’t make the mistake of doing a home pregnancy test.
“Let’s do the pregnancy test first, and we can move on from there,” Dr. Ross says.
A part of me longs for Declan, but I remind myself that I’m a stronger person now. My sessions with Dr. Frost have been wonderful. I understand myself a little better now. I know that the lure of a child is what messed up my thinking to the point that I even considered getting back together with Leonard.