“That’s so sad,” Lexi says. “I wish we were closer friends. Did she tell her friends Brooke and Jason?”
I shake my head. “I don’t think so. She wanted to confirm with the obstetrician that all was well before breaking the news to our friends and family.”
Lexi is silent for a moment. “You see for women, it’s different. As soon as you conceive, you fall in love with the baby.”
“I was looking forward to the baby too,” I say, trying to grasp what Lexi is saying.
“But it’s not the same for men. I’ll tell you something that Ace and I haven’t told anyone. We lost a pregnancy too at three weeks.”
I turn to her. “I’m sorry, Lexi, I didn’t know.”
“Yeah, no one did, but it’s been months, and I’m good now. So, I do kind of know what Marian is going through.”
I don’t know what to say.
“Patience and lots of love are what she needs. And don’t get tired of talking about the baby if she wants to,” Lexi says. She pats my knee. “She’ll be fine. With the kind of support you’re giving her, she’ll come through it.”
Chapter 31
Marian
It’s a relief to be alone in the car on the drive to Arlen. I don’t have to keep my tears at bay or be strong. When I lost Lilly, Leonard was sorry and apologetic at first, until signs of impatience began showing up.
I can see it even now. The hard jawline when I spoke about her. The tapping of his foot. The glazed look coming over his eyes. Repeated looks at his watch as if you can place a time limit on grief. It would break my heart to see that look on Declan’s face.
I feel as I did then as if I’ve lost a part of me. This is worse because there was no baby. I feel like an idiot for feeling sad and lost over a baby that had never existed. Tears stream down my eyes until my eye ducts become dry.
You don’t know how badly you wanted that baby until you lose it. I’m on the edge of a cliff and don’t know how to get off. I wish I’d told Brooke and Jason that I was pregnant. It would be nice to have someone else to lean on apart from Declan. He’s been fantastic, but I’m worried about how much of myself I can show him.
Losing our non-baby has opened my eyes to how little we know each other. For the last week since that horrible day at the Obstetrics clinic, I’ve tried the best I can to show Declan my good side. The strong side. I even went hiking when it was the very last thing I wanted to do. What I’d wanted to do was crawl under the blankets and cry myself to sleep. But I couldn’t tell Declan that. We haven’t developed enough trust between us to be ourselves.
Our foundation is pretty shaky. A little shake and our marriage will come crumbling down. A thought has wormed itself into my mind, and I can’t dislodge it. Do we have a marriage, or are we just fooling ourselves? The thing that held us together is no more. The baby kept us together, but it has also shaken me to the core. Are Declan and I equipped to handle adversity? I don’t think so.
Maybe I’m just tired, hence the defeated thoughts, but that’s how I feel. Defeated. Maybe a night away will perk me up. And maybe also if I manage to fix one wrong thing in my life, I’ll be more optimistic about everything else.
I get to Arlen at midday and drive straight to the edge of town, where Leonard said the attorney’s offices were. I grab a wet wipe from my bag, mop myself, and then put on more lipstick. More than I usually do to spite Leonard. That lifts my spirits, and I grin at my reflection in the mirror. I grab my handbag and confidently stroll up to the office entrance.
“Hi, I believe I have an appointment with Mr. Watson,” I say to the brown-haired receptionist.
She smiles at me without moving, and that’s when I realize she looks familiar. She’s plump with a pretty face. “Marian,” she cries. “You don’t remember me, do you?”
No matter how hard I try, I can’t for the life of me get her name. “I’m sorry, no, but you look so familiar.”
She laughs, but her laugh is devoid of humor. “I’ve changed, I know. It’s Alexa, remember, the—”
“Homecoming queen,” I yell and then stare at her in morbid fascination. “Alexa Williams.”
“This is what babies do to you,” she says, looking at her arms as though seeing them for the first time. She narrows her eyes at me. “You don’t have any kids yet, do you?”
Her words are like a punch in my belly, rendering me breathless. I take a few seconds to recover and plaster a smile on my face. “Not yet, no. Has Leonard arrived yet?”