Drew and Courtney both know I’m not returning to Boston once I leave, but I haven’t found the courage to tell Travis yet. He’ll find out soon enough and when I don’t leave after the holidays are over it’ll be a dead giveaway. I begged them not to say a word because I want to be the one to tell him. I have to be. We have a lot to talk about, but the truth is, I’m not sure what to say to him or where to even begin. Just thinking about it gives me an anxiety attack.
I shove my carry-on in the overhead compartment of the plane and slide the window cover open, peering out into the distance. Soon we take off over a blanket of white fog, and as nervous as I am to be returning back to Cali, I’m happy to be leaving Boston and all the damn snow.
As the plane lands in California, I feel a little ridiculous wearing a baggy sweater and so many layers. I roll my sleeves up to my elbows and patiently wait while we deplane. I was cold, but now I’m sweating. Freaking hormones. A lump forms in my throat when I open my text messages and see Courtney is already waiting for me. This is happening. I’m really home.
After I pee, I wheel my suitcase through the airport, trying to find just a sliver of courage. I walk through the double doors, and Courtney is leaning against her Jeep with a big, goofy smile on her face. She takes off running in high heels and gives me a big hug.
“Oh, my God, Mama! Look at you!” She squeals and pats my tummy. I’m so happy she’s excited about this pregnancy, because I’m still not sure how to feel, but I’ve felt like that since the day I found out.
Though I felt like death, I Ubered to the nearest pharmacy. The guy who drove me across town looked at me like I had the plague and I’m sure when I stepped out of his car he sprayed disinfectant all over the seats. I walked inside, and stared at the pregnancy tests, picking up a two-pack, which claims to be 99.9% accurate. I’ve never had to take one, and I almost find it hilarious that it’s come to this point. Courtney is three thousand miles away but has me so worked up I have to know for sure. I’m pretty confident it’s a virus. I’ve had the flu before. I know the symptoms, and I feel like death—totally the flu.
When I grab the cardboard box, I feel ridiculous. All the way to the counter, I keep repeating how I can’t be pregnant. Birth control. I didn’t miss a pill. Not one. I take a cab back to my studio apartment and somehow find the strength to climb the stairs. I read the instructions at least ten times before I take the stick out and pee on it, and then I wait. Almost immediately two pink lines appear.
No, no, no.
I take the other pregnancy test out of the wrapper and pee on it, too.
The first one had to be wrong. This could not be happening, not now, not when I’m at the beginning of my career and so far away from everyone I love. Just as fast as the other one, two pink lines.
I sit on the toilet and stare at it in shock. I’m not even sure what to do or say. Immediately I call Courtney, crying.
“Oh, my God, Lola. What’s wrong? Is everything okay?”
“Court.” I sit there a long time in silence as tears stream down my face.
“Lola? You’re freaking me out.”
“I’m…” I couldn’t even say the words.
She pats my belly and brings me back to reality. I gulp thinking about how lost I felt when I told her, but she was there for me. I don’t believe there was a time when she wasn’t.
“So, I guess this sweater didn’t cover up this bump?” I look down and laugh.
“I mean for the most part, but it’s still totally obvious.”
“Couldn’t you have just lied?” I smile, but I thought I’d be able to face Drew without him instantly knowing. It’s so hard to recognize the change in myself, but I thought it wasn’t that noticeable with oversized clothes. Who the hell am I trying to fool? Everyone.
“I cannot wait to go shopping. Cute little clothes and hats and shoes. I LOVE BABIES!” She’s talking so loud, her voice echoes through the parking garage. She grabs my suitcase and throws it into the back of the Jeep and slams her foot on the gas as usual. I shoot her a look, and she slows down. “Sorry, I forgot there was a baby on board.”
I grin at her. “So, how was your wrap and coconut water?”