I gasp when I see a seahorse shape swimming from one side to the other. “Isn’t that cool?” Lennon asks me, bringing my attention back to her.
“You have a creature inside you,” I tease. Lennon wrinkles her nose at me, and we both laugh.
The tech continues to take the measurements, making lines from one side to the other. I can’t help staring at the screen and then flicking my gaze to watch Lennon. It feels so surreal to be experiencing this with her. I can’t help the sadness that takes over, knowing Brandon will never get this opportunity. I’d take his place in a heartbeat just so he could have his happy family.
“Alright, you ready for some pictures?” the tech asks, and Lennon immediately lights up. “Let’s see if we can get some good ones. He or she is pretty excited in there.”
Lennon giggles as she watches the tech freeze the screen and take screenshots. “According to the measurements, you’re eleven weeks along, which makes your estimated due date December twenty-third.” The tech’s entire face lights up. “Ooh, maybe you’ll have a Christmas baby.”
“A baby for Christmas. Sounds like a Hallmark movie.” Lennon snorts and grins.
The tech finishes up, hands Lennon a towel to clean up, and then gives her half a dozen photos. Once she’s ready to go, we walk to the truck and ride in silence. I don’t know what to say and don’t want to put her on the spot either, so I don’t push it.
Lennon holds the photographs as if they’re her lifeline, almost as if they’ll disappear if she lets go. We pick up some food and bring it back to the apartment and eat. Instead of going back to work, I call my boss and tell him I’m taking the rest of the day off. I don’t want to leave Lennon right now. It’s been a big, emotional day for her. Hell, and for me. I’m in way over my head if that doctor appointment taught me anything.
“I can’t believe this,” she finally speaks as we sit at the table to eat.
I give her a small smile. “Well, you better because it’s happening.”
She stares at the wall, transfixed. “I’m having a baby. This is unreal. I mean, I always wanted kids. I knew I wanted a big family. But why right now?” She ponders, but it’s almost as if she’s thinking aloud to herself and doesn’t expect an answer. I wish I had answers for her, but I don’t. “It’s like Brandon left a piece of himself behind for me so I wouldn’t be alone forever,” she says.
My eyes soften, and my heart beats faster. “You won’t be alone forever, Lennon.”
“Well, not as long as you’re with me,” she says. “At least I’ll have you.”
Her words nearly have me gasping for air and choking on it. When she says things like that, I know she doesn’t mean it the way it sounds, but it still affects me. I wish with everything I am she meant them the way I mean them.
“And I’m not going anywhere,” I confirm. She rewards me with one of her sweet Lennon smiles that always turns me to mush. I’m a fucking love-sick puppy, a whipped one at that, but I don’t even care. She’s not mine to claim, but she’s mine to protect now.
Once we’re finished eating, Lennon stands and cleans up the mess, then we go to our spot on the couch to watch our show. She yawns over and over before she eventually drifts off, and I fan a blanket out on top of her. Since I’m not anywhere near tired, I decide to try to get some work done from home.
I catch up on emails and reply to as many people as I can, and by the time I look up, it’s nearly dark outside. Instead of ordering food, I throw a pizza in the oven, and the delicious cheesy scent eventually wakes Lennon.
“What’s that smell?” she asks with a raspy sleepy voice.
“Pizza,” I tell her.
Five minutes later, it’s done, and I’m putting pieces on plates and delivering drinks to the coffee table for us. As we sit and eat, I realize how fucking envious I am of Brandon for everything he had. I try not to allow the dark thoughts to take over, but I can’t help it. I try to push them away, not wanting to have them at all.
“What is it?” Lennon asks with concern in her voice. Maybe she notices me as much as I do her.
“Nothing,” I say around a mouthful of the saddest pizza I’ve ever eaten.
She gives me a weak smile. “You can tell me. It won’t upset me. I know it was about Brandon.”
I swallow hard, wondering how the hell she knew that. Shrugging, I decide to tell her some. “Just hate that he can’t be here for you. That he doesn’t know he’s having a kid. That he can’t eat this shitty pizza with you.”