No! I needed him. I had fallen in love with him, the sentiment was irreversible. He had his issues too and I could not reconcile them. Jason the lover I could be with forever, when he gave and showed kindness it captivated me. Jason the master was like a loose cannon, constantly changing direction, there one minute gone the next. How could I trust him with my damaged past haunting me forever?
***
The snow piled up quickly, by the evening there were drifts forming. I heard nothing from Jason. Whether he had found me transport or even cared what state I was in. Peering at the outside lights, I could see it had stopped snowing. My position by the window had been a permanent feature of the day. The view was beautiful. A mountain landscape, though now darkness had hidden it from my sight. Suddenly I had a deep wish to be out there, in the snow and open spaces, where everything was white and pure.
I put my shoes on and the thick coat I bought for the weekend, at Jason’s insistence. I kept my head down as I passed the reception desk and stepped out into the cold. An attempt had been made to clear the hotel’s drive and pathways. The effort looked rather futile and not very successful. I walked, with my shoes sinking in the drifts, around the side of the hotel to where I could just make out the landscaped terraces. I wondered how far they went into the dimness and what botanical treasures were hidden behind the whiteness. I was half aware that the rational part of my brain was slipping away from me, as it did the night Libby became a murderess.
I did not care. I did not even notice the cold.
Chapter 22
“Gemma! Gemma!”
Where am I? I’m very cold. I’m frozen.
“What are you doing here?”
Where?
I did not think I was anywhere. I’m completely lost.
***
“Hypothermia, Mr Lucas. Not too severe, I’ve seen a few cases in my time - she will be disorientated for a while but that should pass. I don’t think she needs hospitalisation though. Warm drinks, no alcohol. Rest, plenty of rest.”
I did not recognise the Scottish voice. I sank back into my pillow and returned to the darkness.
I opened my eyes and I was in a hotel room. The same one I slept in on Friday night.
Jason was sitting near my bed in a chair. He had stubble on his chin and he looked tired. There was daylight outside, bleak and grey, the window’s curtains were drawn back. We were alone. Where was that other person I had heard speaking? I was cold, not bone chilling so, but an echo of a deeper coldness, which had left my body. There were two duvets on me and I was sure there was a hot water bottle by my feet. How long was I out there? I shut my eyes again. I was not ready to face him yet.
There was an aroma, a pleasant one: cocoa. Next to my bed was a steaming mug of hot chocolate. The coldness had noticeably diminished and I wanted to sit up. Outside the sky had cleared and was a crystal blue, reminding me of another blueness. Jason’s eyes were there watching me from his chair. Propping myself up on the pillows, I took a sip of the creamy sweet liquid and it made a warm glow inside me. When I was finished, I rested my head back and it had to be done. We needed to talk to each other.
“Where did you find me?” I murmured, not looking at him directly.
“At the bottom of the garden, on a bench,” he spoke in low tones. Perhaps we could talk sensibly, as he did not appear to be angry.
“I remember going out. I don’t remember being there.”
I pulled back my duvets to expose my feet and there were thick socks on them. They were burning hot now rather than freezing cold.
“Your feet were deep in snow in not the most appropriate of shoes. You’re lucky not to have frost bite.” Jason came across, put the duvets back on me and sat at the bottom of the bed. “We had a search party out looking for you. The receptionist saw you go out but not come back in. Why, Gemma?”
“You said in your letter that I’m a strong person. I’m not, Jason. I picked myself up and got on with things after what he did to me. New job, dancing with my friends, my own therapy. Life was hard, I was depressed and heading nowhere. I ignored my family, friends - everyone. Every day was a battle to face people. I can’t do it again, I’m lost without you. Then you sent your letter. It was cruel, Jason. You dismissed me like I was your plaything: a toy. Your letter hurt me, more than whips or canes ever have done. You last line even failed to recognise your own ability to hurt me.”
He flinched at my last comment.
“You walked out, not me, Gemma,” he said sharply.
True, I had.
“I never said I didn’t love you, Jason. I’m head over heels in love with you and have been for weeks. You told me you didn’t do 24/7 relationships and yet you call me into submission whenever you like and I feel like a spinning top. I’ve never given myself like this with anyone but you. Before we met, there was always a set time and place for me to do a scene, provide a service or to be trained. It is the... mechanics, for want of a better word, the mechanics of our dom / sub relationship that is not working for me. You acknowledged that so well in your own words. I can’t be with you and love you carrying on...” My voice faltered and I had said enough.
Jason was looking down at his manicured hands. “I am sorry. I underestimated your ability to move from bedroom based submission to something you have had little experience of, at least successfully. I’ve pushed you too hard.” His voice switched to a strained voice. “This isn’t what I planned for this weekend. I mean what happened yesterday morning, my demanding you to submit. I intended something quite different. I have to be in control and when I am stressed... I was apprehensive yesterday and seeing you happily talking to other men. It sparked that dangerous fuse of envy, which sits smouldering inside me.”
Jason looked quite a different man to me now. He was exposing his emotional vulnerabilities.
“I wouldn’t have touched you. Just seeing you on your knees would have been sufficient to calm me. Then you defied me and unleashed this verbal assault on me. I had no idea you had these concerns or doubts about our arrangement,” his voice was rising with emotion. He stopped and sighed deeply.