Breathing roughly, she wondered what the hell she was doing. She glanced into her yard, her gaze falling on Nash’s empty chair by the firepit. Chin trembling, she looked back to Ryan.
He watched her closely. “Maggie, if it’s something you honestly believe you can’t handle, I’ll accept that.”
She swallowed tightly against the lump in her throat, unsure how to respond to such a comment. They were only dancing. They were friends. Just friends.
He let go of the back door, and it swung shut behind him. “But if you’re pushing me away because of misplaced guilt, then I think we should talk about it.”
She scoffed, her hands curling around the white pickets of the fence behind her. “There’s nothing to say.”
He casually descended the porch steps. “This morning, did I imagine something that wasn’t there or were you jealous?”
Her lips formed a thin line. She turned her back to him and faced her yard. Maybe she could hop the fence. Her gaze got lost on the shed Nash never finished painting.
The emptiness she’d been keeping at bay vibrated her bones. She let it back in. The void in her heart yawned like a waking lion, and she shut her eyes, willing it to swallow her whole.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me.” His body was closer. She could feel the heat of him at her back.
Her vision blurred. “It shouldn’t. I can’t be with you like that. I can’t be with anyone.”
“Why, Maggie? Maybe there’s something more out there for you.”
Her head shook. “I’m not right for anyone. Not anymore.”
Nash broke her heart. Why would anyone want a broken heart? She was broken. Unfixable.
His fingers curled around her shoulder, tugging softly. “Look at me.”
If she looked at him, he’d try to convince her she could have normal again. He didn’t know how screwed up she was. He didn’t know she had coffee with a ghost in the cemetery every morning. He didn’t know she fought the urge to follow her husband to the grave on an hourly basis. He didn’t know how deeply she’d always love him, and how that love had turned into a poison that crippled her from ever moving on.
She turned and blinked up at him, her eyes drowning in unshed tears. “I’ll never be over him. And you’re too nice of a guy. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m tougher than I look.” He brushed a thumb over her cheek, wiping away a tear.
She shook her head. “No.” If she led him on or hurt him in any way, she’d never forgive herself. “I can’t.”
“Try, Maggie. All I’m asking is that you try.”
Her lashes flicked and twin tears fell down her face. “I...” She didn’t know how to be that kind of person anymore. She could hardly have a conversation without offending others, because as she struggled to manage her own turbulent emotions, she couldn’t handle other people’s feelings as well. “You deserve more than I can give. Please trust me on that.”
And what if she tried and he changed his mind? What if something happened to him? She couldn’t risk developing new feelings for anyone. She knew what it felt like to care and have her world ripped away without warning. Eventually, he’d realize how messed up she was, and he’d change his mind. Then where would she be?
“You don’t know what you can give until you try. You can have it all, Maggie. You just gotta want it.” His eyes brimmed with such sincere concern she couldn’t bear feeling so exposed. “If it’s me, fine. We can stick to being friends. But as your friend, I gotta tell you, you’re too special to not put yourself out there again.”
The jagged pieces of her heart flipped and all the tender edges ached. “I’m not special.”
“The fact that you don’t even realize how special you are makes it all the more true.” He caught her chin between his forefinger and thumb. “You’re beautiful and sweet, and there’s this spunky little tomboy inside of you that I can’t seem to resist.”
Her chest quaked with a jagged breath. “You’re only seeing what you want to see.”
He shook his head. “I see you. I see your pain and grief. I see your struggle. And I see something that tells me you want more, but you’re afraid to go after it. It’s like your soul’s crying to live, but you’re terrified of waking a beast. Not all emotions hurt, Maggie.”
Her breath hitched on a sob but she swallowed it back. “I’m a mess. If you saw the things in my head you’d run as fast as you could in the opposite direction.”
He laughed softly. “My family’s full of crazy women. I think I can handle it.”
“But why should you have to? You’re a sweet handsome man, who deserves a nice normal girl.”
“But you’re the one I want. If the feelings aren’t mutual, then I severely misread the situation. But if I’m right, even just a little bit, the least you could do is level with me. I can be patient with you. I’m in no rush.”