“Good,” I muttered through a dry throat. “That’s good. I’m glad.”
“How about you? You been doing any soul-searching like she wants you to?” Her eyes were studying me closely, but I didn’t try to look away. I wanted her to see how big of a fucking mess I really was without Amara. I’d fucked up, not once but twice. The Lindsey thing I was sure she could forgive me for, but what I said when she told me about the baby was a different story.
“I don’t know wha
t she wants from me, Riley,” I told her honestly. “I don’t know, and she wouldn’t tell me. How am I supposed to know how to fix this if she won’t even talk to me?”
She bit her lip as she continued to watch me for a few moments. When she opened her mouth, I thought she was going to take pity on me and explain it all to me. “I don’t think talking right now will help anything. She doesn’t want to force you into this, Cash. This is something you have to decide on your own. She can’t tell you how to feel or what to decide.”
“Then how the hell am I supposed to know the right thing to do here?” I snapped in frustration.
She patted me on the arm. “No one can tell you, my friend. This is something that only you can figure out. You either want your baby or you don’t. It’s not rocket science, dummy.”
“I want Amara,” I told her honestly. “I feel like I’m not even alive right now because she’s not with me. I’m just a walking corpse.”
“Amara comes as a package deal now. You want her, you have to want the baby as well. That’s what she wants you to decide, Cash.”
“What are you two whispering about over there?” Kale complained as he tucked Santana closer against his chest. “And where the hell is Amara? I haven’t seen her in forever.”
“Amara is working. She’s traveling for Emmie right now,” Riley told him honestly without mentioning anything else. “Not really sure when she’s going to be back.”
“Ah, is that why Cash has been hiding? Can’t function without the girl?” Kale smirked knowingly. “What was that about me being whipped? Cash Graves couldn’t possibly be pussy-whipped too.”
I tuned him and the others out as I contemplated what Riley said. It seemed easy enough. Step up and be a dad, or lose Amara forever. But just thinking about being responsible for a baby, something helpless and completely reliant on me, was enough to make panic choke me.
I sat there in silence, forgetting about my beer and not hearing a single word anyone said to me, as I tried to figure out what the fuck I was going to do.
--
I woke up covered in sweat the next morning. My heart pounding, I blindly reached for Amara. Finding her side of the bed cold and empty, I snapped my eyes open. She was gone. I hadn’t been able to touch her in nearly two months. Sucking in a deep breath, I muttered a curse and sat up in bed.
I was no closer to an answer today than I was the night before. Honestly, I didn’t even know where to begin to find the right answer. I had no one to ask about this shit, not when my own father was a total bastard and wouldn’t have answered my call even if I’d tried to speak to him.
Grimacing, I grabbed my phone and sent a text to Harris. He was just a few short months away from being a dad himself. Hopefully he would have some advice for me. At the last minute, I shot Gray one as well. Kassa lost her baby, but Gray had been just as torn up over it as she had. Maybe he could help me figure this out too.
After a shower and a cup of coffee, I grabbed my keys and headed out to meet both of them for lunch. Gray was already waiting, but so was Kassa. I nearly groaned when I dropped into the seat across from them. I didn’t want to bring up the baby and make her cry, something she used to do at the drop of a hat right after miscarrying.
“What’s up with you?” Gray growled as he watched me closely. “You completely zoned out last night, and now you’re staring at Kassa like she’s got three heads. Calm the fuck down, dude.”
I pushed my hair back from my face, irritated by just the feel of it on my forehead. “I’ve got a lot on my mind,” I told him honestly.
“Damn, man. Sorry I’m late.” Harris dropped down into the chair beside me, looking tired and harassed. “Lu had a craving at like three thirty this morning, and I had to drive around for an hour to find what she wanted.”
“Aww,” Kassa gushed. “You’re such a good husband.”
Harris winked at her before looking at me. “What’s up, man? You don’t normally call me, so it’s gotta be something major. Lucy was worried about you when I told her I was meeting you for lunch to talk.”
Gray’s and Kassa’s focus landed on me, too, all three pairs of their eyes drilling into me now. I scrubbed my hands over my face in frustration. “Amara is pregnant,” I blurted out.
“Damn,” Harris and Gray said at the same time.
“Is she doing okay?” Kassa asked with concern. “We haven’t seen her in months it feels like.”
“I honestly don’t know how she or the baby are doing,” I muttered, shame burning in my gut. “I kind of reacted badly when she told me she was pregnant. Before she left for fuck knows where for this job for Emmie, she told me to use the time apart to figure out if I was ready to be a dad. Because if I’m not, she didn’t want me in her or the baby’s lives.”
“So you want our advice?” Harris guessed.
“I don’t know what kind of advice I can give you, bro,” Gray said with a sad shrug. “I don’t have any experience to offer.”