“She’s gone,” I cried. “Our little nugget is gone, isn’t she?”
“Yeah, baby. W-we lost her.”
“No,” I sobbed, grabbing his shirt and pulling him down so I could bury my face in his chest. “That’s not fair. It’s not fair, Gray. I wanted our baby.”
“Me too, baby. Me too.” He pressed tender kisses to the top of my head, holding me carefully against him. His entire body seemed to tremble, his heart was pounding against his chest, and his tears spilled onto my cheeks to mix with my own.
“Y-you did?”
“Fuck, yes, I did. As soon as Kin told me what was going on, my heart shattered.”
“But … you were so relieved when I got my period,” I reminded him.
He was quiet for a few moments before he pulled back long enough so he could climb onto the bed beside me. He cupped my face in one hand, the other stroking up and down my back. “Yeah, I was relieved, Kas. Because I didn’t know if I was ready to be a dad, and when you told me you got your period, I knew we didn’t have to think about it. Our lives didn’t have to change yet. But, earlier today, when Kin said you were miscarrying, having to face the reality of losing something so precious, it hit me that I do want our baby.”
“But we lost her,” I whispered brokenly.
“I sorry, Kas. So damn sorry.”
We lay there in my hospital bed for a long time, both of us crying and holding each other as the loss of our baby weighed down on us. Neither of us spoke because there were no words that could have made this better for either of us. I just wanted Gray to hold me. Knowing he was there for me, that he was feeling the same sense of loss that I was, didn’t make it better, but it somehow made it a little easier to bear.
A nurse came in to check on me. After asking if I needed anything, she left us alone again, giving us a sympathetic smile as she closed the door.
Gray held me, softly humming my lullaby and stroking my back like he always did when I needed comforting until I fell asleep in his arms. When I woke up in the middle of the night, he was still beside me. Still humming. Still rubbing my back. A few more tears spilled from my eyes when I saw that his own tears hadn’t completely dried yet.
“G-Gray?”
He touched his lips to the top of my head. “Yeah, baby?”
“I love you.”
His throat worked before he could speak. “I love you more, Kas.”
***
The doctor came in early the next morning and said I could go home as long as I took it easy for a few days. We had planned to fly to Bristol, but those plans were put on hold because the doctor said I couldn’t travel for a few weeks. I hated that I wasn’t going to get to see Alicia, but at the same time, I wasn’t sure how I was going to face her after what had happened. For some reason, I felt like I had let her down.
Gray drove me home and then helped me up to our apartment. Instead of taking me to my room, we went to his because my bed had been completely ruined. Everything on the bed had to be tossed out, including the mattress, because of all the blood. I was just as comfortable in his bed as I was my own, so it was easy to relax in his room.
Once I was settled, Gray stood over me, a tight look on his face. “I asked Jace to stay out of the way until I got you sorted. I didn’t want to upset you last night or this morning, but he’s dying to see you, Kas. If you’re up to it, I’ll tell him he can come in here. If you aren’t ready to see anyone, I’ll tell him to fuck off.”
I bit my lip, wondering just how bad things had gone with Jace the day before. Gray hadn’t mentioned my brother—or anyone else, for that matter—and I hadn’t even thought about him or anyone else because I had been so torn up over what had happened. But I could imagine how Jace had reacted when the shit had hit the fan about my miscarriage.
“Did you two fight?”
Gray shrugged, touching a hand to his jaw. “He threw a punch. I didn’t touch him though. Figured he deserved to kick my ass.”
“Gray, this wasn’t your fault. The doctor said this happens all the time. Women have miscarriages every day. It’s just part of life.” It sucked though. And hurt. Fuck, did it ever hurt.
“Are you up to seeing him?” he asked, changing the subject and ignoring what I had just said.
“I want to talk to him.”
He nodded, dropped a quick kiss on my lips, and stepped back from the bed. “I’ll fix you something to eat while you two talk.”
I watched him go, heard his and Jace’s lowered voices outside the door, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. I twisted my fingers in the sheet Gray had tucked around me, nervous for the first time to see my brother. All of our lives, I had looked up to him, and just like with Alicia, I felt like I had let him down somehow.
“Hey,” Jace said with a small smile as he poked his head in.