“You don’t really know me that well.”
“Yes, I do.” Seri gets up on her knees and takes my face in her hands. “You took me in. You didn’t leave me to die in the cold. You didn’t want me to be here, but you still took me in and warmed me up and fed me. You let me stay even when you could have taken me somewhere else. You saved me when I fell into the marsh. You got me medicine when I was sick.”
“It’s a cycle, Seri,” I say. “Don’t you get that? That’s what they kept talking about—the cycle of abuse. My father was an abusive asshole. Eventually, I’ll be an abusive asshole because it’s all I’ve ever known. The only way I can really avoid it is to be alone.”
“Bishop,” Seri says as she continues to stare into my eyes, “there is absolutely nothing about you that is abusive.”
“Not yet. Someday, though—someday I’ll snap. I won’t be able to control myself. I could…I could hurt you.”
“I don’t think you ever would,” Seri says softly.
She strokes her fingers over my cheeks and then leans back on her heels, releasing my face. Her eyes droop closed for a moment, and when she opens them again, her face is blank.
“You have said you will protect us,” Netti says. “You are putting yourself in danger for us. That is not the behavior of a sociopath.”
I swallow hard and try to adjust my thoughts to deal with Netti again. I wonder if this is how translators feel when they have to go back and forth between languages.
“I’m not sure if that counts.”
“Why would it not?” Netti raises an eyebrow at me.
I don’t have an answer, so I give her another example.
“I treated Margot like shit, too. I should feel bad about it, but I don’t—not really. You should be afraid of me. I might be just as dangerous as Kyle. I’m fucked up, Netti. You do realize that, don’t you?”
“We understand.”
“Do you? Aren’t you afraid that I might hurt you?”
“We are only afraid that you might change your mind. You might decide that you do not want the…the burden of us.”
I let out a short, humorless laugh.
“You are unconventional; that’s for sure.”
“But you don’t mind,” she says. “You don’t seem to care that we are what we are. Iris…Iris believes you want her to stay as well, not just Seri.”
“I want all of you to stay. I just think Seri should know what’s going on.”
“She can’t know.”
“Yeah, yeah. Seri has to be protected. So you’ve said. But that’s not really it. You’re afraid of how Seri will take it if she finds out about the rest of you. You’re afraid of what will happen if she finds out she is the sister who died.”
“Yes,” Netti whispers.
“If she knows, she might…I mean, could she force you to leave?”
“We don’t know.”
“If Iris was first, it seems she should be the one in control.”
“Iris has never been in control of her life.”
“But you still think Seri needs her help. If Iris has never been able to help herself, how is she supposed to help Seri?”
“If Seri no longer needed us,” Netti says quietly, “we would be less inclined to appear. Iris is our strength. If you…if you could be the one who protected Seri, she would have no use for us.”
“You mean, if Seri felt safe enough with me, you and Iris would just…just what? Cease to exist?”