Seri nods, takes my hand again, and we both move to the bed. I lie down, and Seri pulls the blanket up over me as she sits up close to my head.
“I’ve never told anyone about this,” I say.
“I know you haven’t.”
I look over at her, wondering how she could possibly know this, but I don’t question her on it. She nods, encouraging me to continue. I close my eyes for a moment as I try to recollect what happened without actually remembering the details.
“He was…he was holding her head down in the toilet. She was kicking her legs out and struggling, but he just stood there with one hand on the back of her head. He looked completely emotionless and casual about the whole thing until I started screaming at him to stop. He glanced back at me and grinned, then pushed her head in farther. I kept screaming, and when he wouldn’t stop, I jumped on his back. He let go of mom and reached back to grab me and throw me against the door.
“He took off his belt and beat me black and blue after that. I didn’t even bother to resist or fight back because if I did, he might knock me unconscious and go after mom again. I just covered my head and took it. The whole time, he kept screaming that I needed to stay out of their business and not interfere. He said Mom was a stupid whore and deserved everything she got. Mom was on the floor, coughing and gasping, but alive. When he was done with me, he left the house. I don’t know where he went, but he didn’t come back home that night.
“The next night, he brought two men home with him. He talked to Mom first, and then she came over to me and told me to leave the house. I didn’t want to go, but she forced me out. I wandered the neighborhood for a couple of hours until I saw the men leaving. They stood on the front porch and handed my father cash before they got into their cars.”
Seri gasps as she realizes what must have happened while I was gone. I close my eyes and clench my teeth before I go on.
“I just…I couldn’t…” I stop talking. I don’t know if I can tell her what comes next. I spend all my time trying not to think about it, and here I am, spilling my guts to a woman who is, without a doubt, nuttier than I am.
“It’s okay, Bishop,” Seri says softly.
“I couldn’t deal with it anymore.” I take a deep breath. “I couldn’t live with the constant fear. I’d spent months walking through the front door after school and immediately looking for her to make sure she was okay—that she was still alive. Honestly, I don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner.”
“What did you do?”
“The Monday after those men were there, I stayed home from school. I still had way too many marks on my face to go out in public without someone saying something about them, so I just didn’t go. I spent the whole day in the shed in the back yard, just thinking. At one point I looked up, and I saw the axe my father used to chop firewood, and I knew what I needed to do.
“I planned it all. I had to wait until Mom wouldn’t be home when my father returned from work, and that only happened twice a month when she went to Wednesday night Mass. I usually went with her, but I faked being sick so I could be at home when he got there.
“I took the axe and walked back into the house to wait for him. I knew mom wouldn’t be home until late, and I’d have time to…to…well, I don’t know what. Clean up, I guess. I hadn’t really thought it all through.”
“What happened when he got home?”
“I heard the car pull up, and I waited in the hallway near the door. He came in, hung his jacket up, and started walking into the living room. His back was to me, and I stepped up behind him and swung the axe.”
My body jerks involuntarily as the memory floods through me…of the axe in my hands and the sensation of swinging it above my head and then down again—and again—and again.
“I probably killed him with the first hit. I don’t know for sure. After that, I couldn’t stop. I just kept hitting him and hitting him until I couldn’t even recognize what was lying on the floor anymore.”
I pause and glance at Seri. Her eyes are wide, and her mouth is slightly open. She’s pulled her hands into her l
ap, pressed up against her stomach, and she looks like she’s ready to vomit.
“Everything gets a little fuzzy at that point,” I tell her. “I know I stood there for a while and that my heart wouldn’t stop pounding. I remember running to the bathroom and throwing up, but I’m not sure when that was. I had planned on dragging his body out in the back yard and burying it, but there was just no way. I knew Mom would be home in an hour, and it wasn’t possible to cover up what I had done. There was blood everywhere—the carpet, the walls, the ceiling, me—and I…I would have had to carry out the…the pieces. I knew I didn’t have a chance of cleaning it all up, so I just called 9-1-1 instead.”
“You called the cops on yourself?” Seri gasps.
“It’s not like I could hide any of it. I wasn’t a sophisticated criminal with an understanding of how to commit a crime and not leave any evidence. I hadn’t worn gloves. My clothes were covered in blood. I just froze for a few minutes afterward, not knowing what I should do. At some point, all that school training about what number to call if you need help just took over, and I dialed.”
“Did they arrest you?”
“Yeah. Two cops got there before the ambulance. I opened the door and let them in. When they asked me what happened, I just picked up the axe and handed it to them. I didn’t say anything, not even when they started asking me questions. At some point, they put me in a car and read me my rights. I was brought to the police station where they questioned me again, but I really didn’t know what to say. Eventually, a public defender showed up, and they stopped asking me what happened.
“I didn’t talk to my attorney much either. He was young, and I’m pretty sure he was in way over his head. I don’t think he really wanted to know what happened. He just wanted to get me the best deal he could. I suppose he did, too. They didn’t try me as an adult, at least.”
“How long were you in prison?”
“Juvenile detention until I was eighteen. Then I was moved to a state prison until I was released seven years, three months later. I was sentenced to fifteen years, and I should have been there longer, but there were overcrowding issues. I got paroled early.”
Seri nods and stares down at her hands for a minute.