It meant that my efforts had paid off. Usually the opposite sex tends to follow me with their eyes like Pavlov’s dog in heat.
I sat straight as a board on my side of the backseat, giving a good impression of being nervous as maybe I should be. It was part of my act yes, but there was an underlying tension not usually felt. “Good evening Mr. Fisher.”
“Sydney!” He didn’t pick his head up from the paper he was reading, which is just as I wanted it to be. For now! I ignored the unwanted feminine need to be found attractive, to be admired. That’s not what this was about, and I’ve never cared one fig before whether a man wanted me or not.
His reaction also told me that I’d done a good job with my dressing down bit. Usually when I get this close to a man they can’t seem to keep their eyes in their head. Especially not while trapped alone in the backseat of a car.
Still that annoying little anomaly that I had not planned for had me feeling slighted. Maybe I should’ve spent more time working on overcoming this pesky little attraction, but it was too late now.
I felt adrenaline rush through me as we drove away and had to remind myself that this was just the beginning. There was a long way to go yet. But still, I couldn’t bury the feeling of excitement that things were finally getting started.
Years of hard work and planning was about to pay off, and whatever else happens, I know that I did my best. So far everything had gone as planned and there was no reason for this next bit not to as well.
We drove out of the city and into the picturesque countryside never saying a word to each other. It gave me time to gather my thoughts and get my mind set on what I had to do in the next few days.
I had only a short window of time in which to act so everything must be perfect, no missteps. Inside I was a mixture of nerves and glee. This had been a long time coming.
I sat still as inside my mind raced ahead of me. I cautioned myself not to give anything away, but that sense of anticipation made me want to jump up and down in my seat.
For the first time in way too long, I felt like a child who was about to open the best gift ever. Like all the things I’d dreamt about and yearned for were within my reach.
There was also this new sense of excitement that can be attributed to the man who sat so disinterestedly beside me. If I were different, I would see it as an extra bonus. But I knew it would be dangerous to think that way.
Out of the corner of my eye, I watched my mark. He was the most integral player in this game of mine, though he did not know it. In fact I’d venture to say I know a whole lot more about the dashing Sebastian Fisher than he does about me.
Tall, handsome with that bad boy in a suit thing going on. Every woman’s dream man, except maybe mine. Or so I thought. He’d achieved something none of his sex had been able to since I became an adult and men started noticing me.
Whatever, I’m not about to let myself be distracted by his good looks, or that sex appeal that oozes from him with every breath. I did wonder sometimes alone at night, when my mind had finally shut off and I was just me, what it would be like… No, don’t go there. I felt panicked at my thoughts and fought to bring them back to where they needed to be.
I repeated the little mantra I’d taught myself since the first time this happened, until I brought myself back under control again. I’m going to have to watch that for the next few days. One slip and I could destroy everything I’d worked so hard for.
So it doesn’t matter that he makes my heart do things I didn’t know it was capable of. Or that I sometimes see him in my dreams at night, only to awaken with a burning need between my thighs and somewhere deep in my very core.
My only interest, is in getting him in my bed for as long as it takes. Then just walk away and go back to my life. Maybe then I can live and breathe without this constriction in my chest that has been there since my thirteenth birthday.
I felt the slight tremble in my limbs as I went back there, and was once again that little helpless child whose world had crumbled around her. I felt the darkness tug at the edges of my mind trying to suck me into the abyss.