“Exactly.” Ash shook his head. “Gotta tell you, Stone, that wasn’t your best deflection.”
Heat sizzling in her eyes, she took a step forward. “How’s this for deflection?”
She was playing games, and while he could appreciate the tactic for what it was, he was also having all sorts of fantasies of letting her get away with it. Her face was flushed with color, and her lips looked tempting and delicious. His mouth watered as he remembered her taste.
“Where you going with this, Jules?”
“Where do you want me to go, Ash?”
He had to give her credit. As other needs made themselves known, his concern for her nightmares was shoved to the back of his mind. Only by concentrating on his responsibilities was he able to keep from grabbing her and showing her exactly where he wanted to go.
“Never figured you for a coward.”
Her head jerked back as if she’d been slapped. “I am not a coward.”
“Oh yeah?” He took the last step and pressed his forehead to hers. “You’re using this thing between us to deflect my questions. That’s beneath you.”
* * *
Jules closed her eyes. She wasn’t sure she’d ever been this ashamed. Ash was right on the money. She was trying to use their attraction to distract him. The passion she felt for Ash was the sweetest, most honest emotion she’d had in years. To manipulate him like this was a huge betrayal to these new, incredible feelings.
She backed-up a step and said, “The nightmares started a few days after I was rescued.” She couldn’t tell him everything, but she could give him this much of the truth. “At first, they were indistinct…blurry. The more I tried to repress them, the stronger and more vivid they became.”
“Did you talk to anyone about them?”
“Yes. More than one. Some suggested hypnosis. Others thought meditation would work. A few wanted to give me sleeping pills or anti-anxiety medication. I didn’t want a pill or an easy answer. I finally found someone who told me what I needed to hear. She said I wasn’t going to get any better until I dealt with my guilt.”
“Guilt?”
“For surviving when so…when April didn’t. Her parents blamed me for what happened. It was hard to deal with.”
“You understand, though, that placing blame is a human reaction that comes from grief. It doesn’t mean you were to blame. People lash out because they’re hurting.”
Yes, she understood that, but when a person was hounded by those grief-stricken people 24/7, the grief that one felt was multiplied greatly. It had been incessant, unending, soul-leaching.
“Jules?”
She brought herself back to the here and now. She needed to end this conversation.
“Yes, I know that, but knowing in your head and feeling it in your heart are often two separate entities.”
“So did you…get over the guilt?”
“Not really, but I learned to work through it.”
“By hunting serial killers?”
“Something like that.”
“Why serial killers?”
Again, she couldn’t tell him the full truth, but she gave him what she could. “I guess because of their arrogance…their selfishness. To take a life simply for enjoyment or out of compulsion is the most evil reason I can imagine. It infuriates me.”
“Can’t argue with you there. So your most recent nightmares…you think they’re related to Renee?”
“Maybe…probably some. They usually come when I’m exhausted. Also, I…” She took a breath and gave him another partial truth. “The man…men who took me, one of them had a knife. I guess using a knife to kill Renee brought back some repressed memories.”
“I’m sorry about that.”