I snickered. “You’re yelling at me. That’s what’s going on.”
He paused. “I’m sorry. I’m just frustrated.”
“Yeah, well, me too.”
“Tell me what to do.”
“I don’t know what to do, Clint!”
My voice rose with such fervor that it echoed off the corners of the walls. Clint flinched away from me and I slid my head underneath the water. Underneath the bubbles. Relief. The water provided relief. It muffled the sounds of the world around me and muted the screaming inside my head. I felt as if I were floating. As if I weighed nothing. As if I were nothing, and that was all right. Because even in my nothingness, I was still exactly where I needed to be.
When my lungs started burning, I came up for air. And when I wiped the soapy water from my eyes, Clint was gone. No longer did he sit on the toilet, begging me to talk. Instead, I heard him stripping his clothes down in his bedroom. Going to bed, most likely. I needed to get out of the tub and get home anyway. I nee
ded to sort through all this shit before I talked to him about it. I knew he was feeling out of place, anyway. Being the only one of the four of us not attending college of any sort. Floating around from place to place. Not really knowing where he belonged.
I understand that feeling all too well.
“Up.”
I whipped my eyes up and saw Clint’s naked body for the first time in weeks.
“Wh--what?”
He motioned with his hand. “Up. Scoot up.”
“Clint, I don’t--”
“Up, Rae. Now.”
Curling my knees toward my chest, I moved myself forward. Clint stepped into the hot bath behind me, hissing softly as he eased himself down. Steam still rose from the water. The bubbles sloshed over the edge. His hands fell to my shoulders, making me jump as he guided me against him. My naked back was seated against his strong chest. A feeling I hadn’t indulged in weeks.
It brought tears to my eyes as his arms slid around my waist.
“Just try for me, please,” he murmured.
I sniffled. “I don’t know if I can.”
“Just try. That’s all I’m asking. Even if it’s jumbled.”
So, with a deep breath in, I tried for him.
“I’m worried that when things change, it won’t be as good. Or maybe I won’t fit in. Or maybe college is a mistake.”
He kissed the top of my head. “Keep going. You’re doing great.”
I sighed. “Home has been terrible. And yet, it’s all I know.”
“Why is home still terrible?”
“Mom stopped looking for a job months ago. She just… floats around during the day. Asking me for money. Telling me to take care of this and that. Telling me how proud she is of me for taking care of our family.”
He paused. “Wait, you’re paying your mother’s bills?”
I shrugged. “What else am I going to do? She stopped looking for a job and bills had to get paid somehow. I’ve drained almost all the money I got selling stuff. I-I-I mean, D.J. tried coming back again and I was so fucking happy with her for turning him away. But all she did was turn to me.”
“Rae, why didn’t you--?”
I groaned. “Because I didn’t want to burden you, Clint. You’ve got your own shit going on. I know how hard your father made this divorce. I didn’t want to bog you down.”