I sighed with frustration. “Then tell me how you want me to ask if you’re okay. Because I ask, every day, how you’re doing. And every damn day, I get the same damn answer. Just tell me what you want, Rae. And you’ll have it.”
“Why do I have to tell you everything? You’ve been with me for how long now, Clint?”
“You know, I never took you for the kind of girl to play these kinds of games. I’m not a mind-reader, and I never will be.”
I reached over and turned off the water before it overflowed the tub.
“I’m not playing games, Clint. But, there’s a difference between you saying Hey, what's up? and Rae, you don’t look so good. You okay?”
“I asked you if you were okay over ice cream!”
“And I wasn’t ready to talk about it over ice cream. Not with Allison and Michael there, anyway!”
“Well, are you ready to talk about it now? Because I’m tired of this bullshit.”
“What bullshit?”
“This. The walking on eggshells, and the uncertainty. And your mood swings. And the lack of intimacy between us. And the lack of communication. You don’t even act like you want to be around me anymore, Rae. Do you know how that makes me feel?”
She teared up. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to--”
“I know you didn’t mean to. My father never meant to beat the shit out of me, but he did.”
She sat up straight. “Don’t you fucking dare compare me to your father!”
“Then stop making me feel like my father did and talk to me. I love you, Rae. Now cut the bullshit and tell me what’s wrong. Because I know something is.”
5
Raelynn
I slumped back down into the bubbles. I didn’t know how to answer that question. My heartrate ticked up and my eyes wouldn't focus. My hands shook underneath the water and it became hard to breathe. I closed my eyes and it felt as if the world were tilting around me. Over and over, trying to make me sick. And still, all my body wanted to do was sink underneath the water and fall asleep. Just give in to the silent fight raging within me.
I’d felt like this for weeks.
A black pit opened up in my gut, swallowing whatever fear I had. Leaving me with… nothing. An emptiness inside I didn’t know how to explain. How was I supposed to look at the boy I loved and tell him I didn’t feel anything? Tell him I didn’t know anything? Tell him all I wanted to do was fall asleep and never wake up?
I couldn't put my finger on it.
All I knew was that the mere idea of school made me tremble with nerves.
I didn’t want to go to this orientation. I didn’t want my friends coming with me. I just wanted to stay home and bury myself in my own misery. But every time I thought about staying with my mother, more of that emptiness popped up. Sleep had eluded me for days. It grew hard to think straight. And spitting out the fact that I was living in a dorm room for the first semester of college made me want to puke.
College.
Whose fucking idea was that, anyway?
“Rae?”
“Can you hear me?”
“Rae, talk to me. You’ve got me worried.”
Clint’s voice finally pulled me from my trance and I drew in a sharp breath.
“Yeah, yeah. I can hear you.”
“You’re trembling, Rae. The fuck’s going on?”