“You're not bogging me down. I want to help you. I want to be here for you like you’re here for me.”
“And I get that. I do. It’s just--”
He held me tighter. “It’s just what, Rae?”
I sniffled. “I don’t know. It’s just… so much. All at once. I thought I could trust Mom with my finances and shit. I told her about my college plans. Getting my own place. Maybe with you. And she was happy about it, until she wasn’t. She started asking for money here and there. Money for milk. Groceries. Picking up the tab if we went out to lunch. Then it just kind of grew.”
“And you didn’t feel as if you could say no.”
I shrugged. “She’s my mom, Clint. She was there for me after Dad left. And yeah, she’s not perfect. But at least she tries. You know?”
“You don’t owe her for that.”
“Yes, I do.”
“No, you don’t, Rae. She’s supposed to give that to you because you’re her child. You owe her nothing.”
“Yeah, well. I don’t have anything else to sell off to recuperate the money. So, I’m back to scraping pennies off the ground and working as much as I can at the grocery store while hiding how much I’m working so Mom doesn’t keep asking for more fucking money.”
“Is that why you want to live in the dorms for the first semester?”
I paused for a long time before I spoke.
“If I can find a job on campus to work, not having rent or anything will put more money in my pocket for a place, yeah.”
He kissed the back of my head. “You don’t want to stay on campus, do you?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me that, then?”
“Because living off campus is my idea and you shouldn't be financially responsible for my idea.”
“That’s bullshit. Do you even hear how much bullshit that--?”
I sighed with frustration. “I don’t care if it’s bullshit, okay? I just--do you know how envious I am of Michael and Allison right now? I mean, full fucking rides? Allison’s parents paying for her place off campus? Michael, going to school right along with her? I mean, fucking hell. Their parents are setting them up to succeed while my mother’s so sad because her goddamn meal ticket’s leaving!”
“You don’t really think your mother feels that way, right?”
“How the hell else would she feel, Clint? Tell me. How the fuck is she gonna get money if I’m not the one putting it in her hands? Because I’m sorry, but the woman is never going to get a job if she doesn’t have to.”
“Then maybe you leaving will force her to.”
I snickered. “Or she’ll find some other man to slap her around before paying her bills. And that’ll be my fault.”
“Rae, your mother’s inability to live her life in a productive way isn’t your fault. Your home is toxic, just like mine was. You need to leave, and college is your way out.”
Out, and away from you. “Yeah, whatever.”
He scoffed. “You sound like me last summer.”
I felt him nuzzling against the back of my head and it made my body ignite with life.
“You have to put your foot down with your mother,” he murmured.
I rolled my eyes. “Easier said than done.”
“You’re not responsible for her, Rae. I need you to hear me when I say that.”