She nods as she begins to pull away. My eyes stay locked on her until she disappears down the hallway.
My chest begins to shudder.
I close my eyes as a wave of despair hits.
I place a hand on the bed as a deep ache bleeds through me, and then it hits.
Danny has cancer.
Danny might die.
And there’s nothing I can fucking do.
I suck in a breath of air, but it sounds strangled.
“Ryker,” I hear Tristan say.
I feel a hand on my back and know it’s Miss Sebastian. Opening my eyes, I try to rein in the devastating pain as I turn my gaze to Tristan’s.
The moment our eyes meet, he comes toward me, and then I’m pulled into a hug. “Take a moment to break. She’ll need you to be strong when she comes out of surgery.”
I grab hold of his back as the shaking in me grows, and then I groan, “I can’t lose her.”
“None of us can,” he whispers, his voice hoarse.
I break in my best friend’s arms. “Fuck,” I groan, the ache becoming too overwhelming to breathe through.
I feel another hand on my arm, and then I’m pulled into Mom’s arms. “I’ve got you, my baby. Mom’s here.”
A suffocating sound rumbles through my chest, and it has Mom pulling back. She frames my face and locks her gaze on mine. “Breathe, Ryker.”
Nodding, I suck in a painful breath.
“Danny’s going to be fine. Okay? The surgery will go well.”
I cling to Mom’s words and nod again.
“Let’s go for a walk. The change of scenery will do you good.”
Mom takes hold of my arm, tugging me forward, and somehow my legs move. Miss Sebastian falls in on my other side, linking her fingers with mine.
I feel like a zombie as I let them lead me outside to a garden. We sit down on a wooden bench, and then I rest my elbows on my knees before I cover my mouth with my hands. I stare blankly at the surrounding nature.
After a couple of minutes, I manage to mutter, “How am I supposed to process any of this? Danny’s thirty-two. She’s so young.”
“These things never make any sense,” Mom murmurs.
I shake my head. “What if she can’t beat it? What then? How… how do I go on without her?”
“You just do, Ryker. It will be hard, but with time –”
“Don’t tell me it will get easier. It won’t,” I snap. “It’s always been Danny, Mom. I’ve always loved her. I won’t move on. I won’t find someone new. It will only be Danny.”
Miss Sebastian places her hand on my back.
“Ryker,” Mom murmurs.
My eyes dart to her. “Could you move on if Dad died?”
Mom’s features tighten, and she lifts a hand to the back of my neck. “No… no, I wouldn’t be able to.”
“Then don’t expect me to,” I mutter. “Danny’s my once-in-a-lifetime love. She’s my everything. Without her, my life has no meaning.”
Mom wraps her arms around me. She doesn’t try to offer me any empty words of wisdom. She just holds me as I’m sucked back into the wasteland my life was before I got to hold Danny. Before I got to kiss her. Before I got to make love to her.
That’s all that’s left without Danny. Nothing but a desert without the hope of seeing a mirage.
I won’t survive losing her.
I won’t be able to live without her.
If she goes, I go.
Chapter 24
RYKER
I keep sitting outside with Mom and Miss Sebastian, part of me too scared to go back inside.
The helplessness of knowing Danny’s life depends on a man I know very little about eats away at me. There’s nothing I can do, and it strips me bare of all my strength.
I know I’m not the first person to go through this, but… how am I supposed to just sit with my hands tied while I watch the life drain out of her?
This woman who’s so full of life. So vibrant and strong. How am I supposed to…
I can’t feel happiness without her smile.
I can’t feel love unless I’m looking into her eyes.
I feel weak without her strength.
I let out a slow breath, then suck in a deep one.
“We should go in,” Miss Sebastian murmurs. “They’ll give updates about the surgery.”
Nodding, I force myself to get up. I follow Mom and Miss Sebastian to the waiting room. Seeing the grim expressions on the faces of Danny’s family members makes the blow hit again.
I drop down on the nearest chair, and after a couple of minutes, the silence becomes stifling. Getting up again, I step out of the waiting room. I lean back against a wall, crossing my arms over my chest.
Closing my eyes, I focus on my breathing, praying time will pass quickly so I can see Danny again.
But instead, time crawls at a snail’s pace.
It intensifies the fear, the despair, the all-consuming deep ache.