There was so much I wanted to say, but all that came out was, “I’m sorry.”
She deflected. “How is your father?”
“Pretty lost.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” Her eyes softened. “I know how much she meant to you. It was devastating to hear that Faye passed so suddenly.”
“Thank you.” I took a few steps toward her, noticing she moved back the same number of steps. “And thank you for the flowers.”
Her voice was low. “Of course.”
Farrah’s rigid body language told me not to get comfortable, so I opted not to sit, instead continuing to stand across from her while keeping my space.
“I was shocked that Nathan came by to see me,” I said. “It meant a lot. I never expected that he’d want to talk to me again, let alone initiate a visit.”
“Yeah. Well, he’s changed a lot since his accident…finding Jesus and all.”
“I can see that.”
“In many ways, it’s like he and I switched places. He’s much more apt to forgive and forget now. Whereas I’m less trusting than I used to be.”
Well, that was a clear message. For a moment, the silence was deafening. Every time she looked me in the eyes, she’d catch herself and look anywhere else. My eyes, however, stayed fixed on her.
“Who was the woman with you that day at the restaurant?” she finally asked.
“My girlfriend…well, my ex-girlfriend now. I don’t really know where she and I stand. We’re taking a break while I’m here.”
Farrah fidgeted. “I see.” She looked over at the clock. “Well, I actually have to go. I’m going to be late for my shift.”
Shit. I’d barely had a chance to speak to her, and with her being so cold, I didn’t feel comfortable pushing things.
“Do you…need a ride?”
“No.”
That was a dumb question, but I was desperate for more time with her.
“Okay. You were walking home the other day. I wasn’t sure if you had a car.”
“I chose to walk that day for exercise. I have a car.” She pointed out the window. “That’s my Focus parked across the street.”
Turning around, I spotted the small, blue vehicle. It was a heck of a lot better than the piece of crap she used to drive.
“Okay…well…I guess I’ll let you get going.”
Farrah wrapped her arms around herself. “Yeah…”
Feeling defeated, I forced myself to walk away. The superficial conversation we’d just had left me unsettled. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. I hadn’t said everything I’d wanted to say to her. She’d had her guard up. I’d often wondered what a reunion with Farrah would be like. This was nothing like I’d imagined.
A nagging feeling persisted as I got back in my car and drove off. I’d finally had an opportunity to face her, and I completely blew it.
The farther I drove, the more I felt like I needed to go back and pour my heart out—tell her how sorry I was for leaving, how much I regretted hurting her. It wouldn’t matter if she said nothing. I should’ve said more.
Unable to accept my cowardice, I turned my car around and drove back toward her house. Slowing down, I could see her getting into her car in the distance. I stopped short of where she was parked. Farrah didn’t see me because she had her head on the steering wheel. I watched as she sat for a moment, looking distraught.
This changed things. It was proof that her cold demeanor was a façade, that she was affected by my visit. Anything more I might have to say would only further upset her, though. She had a right to this private moment, and it felt wrong to disrupt her, especially since I was the cause. As much as it pained me not to comfort her, I did what I knew she’d want—I drove away slowly so she’d never know I’d come back.
• • •
A few days later, I was surprised to see Nathan’s name pop up on my phone.
I answered, “Hey, man.”
“Hey. Are you busy?”
“No.” I scratched my head. “What’s up?”
“I was wondering if you had time to stop by. My car won’t start. I don’t think it’s the battery. Something else is up. I was hoping you could take a look. I could take it to the mechanic, but I don’t really trust him. The last time I went there, it cost me a pretty penny for a shit job.”
I suspected he might’ve been looking for an excuse to get together to gauge where things stood with us.
“Yeah. Sure. I can come by.”
“Doesn’t have to be right away. I know you must be working at this time of day.”
“It’s no big deal. My job is pretty flexible. I could use a break from staring at the computer screen.”
“Cool.”
There was one thing I needed to know first, though. “Is Farrah home?”
“No. She’s in class, and she has a shift at the restaurant tonight. She usually goes there straight from school. She won’t be home at all.”