Some of the fear subsides. “How can I be sure you’ve got this under control?”
“You just have to trust me.” He lowers his voice, leaning in, the world taking on a dreamy quality. His eyelashes are beautifully long, black frames around glacial blue. My mouth parts open, waiting. “And I have to keep my hands off of you.”
“What?” I say absently, my eyes drawn to his mouth, dying for another taste of him.
Abruptly he lets go of my shoulders and steps back, bumping against the island. “I can’t touch you anymore.”
I snap out of my stupor. “What?” I exclaim.
He raises his palms. “Short-term solution, I promise.”
“That’s ridiculous,” I tell him. “I only meant for this time here with Dex and Perry.”
“I know,” he says. “But until I talk to Jacob about this, I’m not risking anything. The more I’m with you, intimately, the more I feel. The more I open myself to changing, becoming someone else. I don’t know how to control those emotions right now but what I do know is that it makes me vulnerable. And right now, I can’t be vulnerable. I have to be able to protect you in every single way.”
“So then we just don’t have sex for a bit,” I say and wince at how put-upon I sound. It’s been exactly twenty-four hours since he was last inside me and I’ve been craving him like some junkie on the streets. There may have been a bump or two where the desire was masked by fear, but it’s always been there, thrumming like an undercurrent.
“Nothing intimate,” he says. “Back to the day I first met you. I mean, outside of your dreams.” He pauses. “We can do it. We have to. It shouldn’t be this hard.”
“Why is it this hard?” I implore him. “What the hell did you do to me?”
He shrugs. “Damned if I know. But I’m sure there’s a very good reason why it’s forbidden. Being forever bound, forever hungry for the other, must be one of them.”
I swallow, feeling my face flush. “You’re hungry for me?”
His lips twist in a half-smile. “All the time, princess.”
Somehow that makes me feel better, knowing this crazy shit isn’t just in my head, that I haven’t blossomed into womanhood with a raging vagina. I mean, I know women develop feelings after they sleep with a guy, but this is fucking ridiculous.
“As for Silas,” he says, bringing me out of my amped-up thoughts, “maybe going to Hell will be a good way of putting him back where he belongs. If I run into Satan I can just sort of pawn him off on him. You know, I’ve tried it out and it’s not working, here, take him back.”
“Are you seriously making a joke about returning a soul to Satan, right before we’re headed to literal Hell?” I ask incredulously.
“Too soon?”
“If being around me brings out your sense of humor too, I think a little more distance is needed,” I warn him, walking over to the couch with my coffee and giving him the glare to stay put.
It’s not long after that Dex and Perry and Fat Rabbit come back from the walk. Miraculously this time, Fat Rabbit doesn’t bark or growl at Jay at all, in fact he runs right over to him, licking his hand. That put all sorts of relief back into my heart. Jay was back to Jay for now and I could only trust he would do what he could to stay that way, even if it was at my desire’s expense.
Soon after we get ready to leave, telling Perry and Dex we’re heading to the interior to check out the Washington wine areas and will head back home after a couple of more days.
I play it off as casually as I can but I’m not sure either of them believe me. Dex gives me a hug and tells me to watch myself. He then proceeds to tell Jay that if he lays one finger on me, he’ll chop it off and feed it to the dog.
Jay has the sense to look worried—even if just for show—and when he promises Dex it won’t be a problem, he believes him. Believe me, Dex, we’re way ahead of you.
When Perry hugs me though, she whispers in my ear. “If you need any help, at any time, you call me.” She taps the side of my head. “In here.”
“I will,” I promise and hope I never have to. I get a sloppy dog kiss from Fat Rabbit and then we’re off on our road trip to Hell.
***
It turns out Hell is a lot closer than you’d think.
For us, the nearest portal is on an island in the San Juans, hovering between the American and Canadian border. I know that Perry and Dex filmed an EIT episode on a haunted island on the Canadian side, but thankfully we don’t have to deal with borders and passports.